This Weekend

This weekend was super-cool. I got some more stuff recorded on Friday, but pretty much relaxed and decided not to do some auditions that... I probably should have. Meh.

On Saturday I was asked by one Mr. OmegaOptimusSupreme if I was available for the Team ZORM podcast with MasakoX. ...Sadly, I was not D: But that's ok. We'll just do it at a later point in time. I wasn't available because I was in Sarnia with my mom and sister. We went down by the Bayside mall, and even IN IT! [gasp]. Bear Creek Studio is closing down, but Ariel hinted that someone else is buying it and continuing on with it. Not too sure though. So I picked up a crap load of art supplies - giant wooden mannequin, medium sized hand mannequin, micron brush tip pen, micron .005 tip pen, a box of really pricey but nice markers (can't remember company), a book on perspective, a set of brush-tip pens, another giant sketch book (I just love those!), a CD by Kirk, and a set of new paints (mine are running low, and those were on sale, so why not?). Once we were done, I couldn't convince my sister or mom to go into Future Past Times with me. lol, oh well. XD

Then - and this is my favourite part of my weekend - I got to go see Kara and Jessimaca and Travis! :D Yaaaay!~ I gave Travis his present from Florida. We chilled out and played Little Big Planet, and there was a ninja, and Travi's bean-bag person looked like a pretty girl, and my bean-bag person was awesome and some kid thought it was a scary monster. Ehehehe. Then we went to othermom's house, and everyone watched Ponyo and ate stew!~ It was a fantastic visit. X3

Sunday sucked, but was still not bad. I got up early to help dad with barn chores, went to church, then took a three hour nap when I got home XD From there, I used my new hand mannequin thingie to practice drawing hands, and I drew a really good one. I coloured it with my new markers, too :D It's pretty~ Probably one of the best hands I've ever drawn.

Zetsu was being a brat, he was covered in mud and kept trying to jump on my bed, and when I closed off upstairs, he ran and hid in the basement. He REALLY did not want to go out side. So I just left him in the basement. XD Nobody was on Skype (WAT?!) so I started trying to find techno remixes of Disturbed songs on YouTube. Only found a few good ones, but here's one of them. This one really impressed me - he must have a wicked vocal-ripping program. Makes me want to do remixes. XD



And this one (these ones?) are just SO. PLAIN. CATCHY. AND UPBEAT. WTF. Love 'em.




While listening to some of this lovely stuff, I worked on cleaning up panels of the first chapter for Stand Up!. It took me SIX HOURS, but I got all 112 or so panels from the first chapter cleaned up and ready to go. All together, the video for this mangadub for chapter one of Stand Up! will have over three hundred pictures. ...Yeah. I felt motivated, so I had to get it done. About half way through, though, Zombi got on Skype so I chatted with him and Optimus, and eventually Mukluk got on and we had a grand ol' time. Mr. Apokkykins showed up later, too, and it was a fun little voice chat :D But I told Mukluk he was gonna get AIDs and die. I don't think he liked that much XP But still fun.

Yeah, so, rundown of my weekend. Some parts were boring, but amazing all at once. Most parts were just amazing. XD

Plans for the weekend

Driving myself home today, and I'm taking Jenny with me. Huttah!
.hack//sign isn't done downloading, but that's okay, I'll forgive it's slowness. It's worth the wait (it's going faster than Special A did, that's for sure).

When I get home we're probably going off to go hang out with Rosstopher, to watch movies :D I told him he could meet Jenny and he thought that was cool. I think they might get along awright. =3 I'll have to report on Monday whether they do or don't, lol.

Drew a few more things last night, to help myself catch up on the whole drawing-a-day resolution that I made (an by made I mean regret). As of this morning I am four days behind. (Last night I was three... stupid date-changing... bah...)

If I can have those four drawings plus four more to cover the next four days, the next sketch dump I'll do - at the midpoint of lent - will be, in my mind, a huge success. I'll track down everything I drew and post it all in one entry, even if it's already been up in my blog before. I'm actually kind of excited. I might actually mosh them all together and post 'em as a sketch dump on dA.

Oooh well. I'm off to go get brekkers then to class! ta!

PS Haven't bitten nails in 16 days. Booyah!

Mixed Feelings

Have you ever felt that you were partially at fault for someone breaking up with their boyfriend/girlfriend?

This past weekend has left me with... mixed feelings. I mean, he always complained about her a little, and on Friday night hanging out with them (and a few others) was just fine. But Sunday... holy shit, on Sunday, shit hit the fan. They argued. They acted immature. They literally dragged each other around. They threatened to freeze themselves to death. They threatened to move out. They threatened to break up.

And for some reason... for some reason I feel partially at fault. I mean, I know she doesn't really like me, especially since I'm a good friend of her boyfriend and she's one of those clingy, paranoid girls. I know she doesn't like me. And the fact they had yet another fight because he wanted to hang out with me and she didn't want him to... it makes me feel bad D:

So part of me is upset. I hate to see them fighting. I hate the fact she doesn't really like me, even though I try my best to smile and be polite and nice to her (I like her, personally, but she scares me because I swear she's secretly plotting out ways to kill me). I don't like to see them fight - especially as badly as they did on Sunday, but according to him, they had had worse fights over the past few weeks. I don't want them to break up, especially on such terrible terms.

But part of me... part of me is relieved. I dunno. For some reason those two never really felt right; I mean, she was really good for him, and he did good things for her, but all in all... they really just seemed thrown together, like they were only dating because it was someone's bright idea to consider it, ask, and someone else's bright idea to say yes. :| that, and if they're fighting so badly, wouldn't they be better off not living together, and not constantly pissing each other off to borderline physical and emotional abuse?

I don't know. There's so many pros and cons to this and as badly as I want to shrug it off and not worry about it, I know I'm partially the reason. And that makes it very, very hard to let myself be guilt-free. Especially since if I did allow myself to just shrug it off, I'd feel like a selfish bitch who doesn't care what the hell is happening to my friends and their relationship.

I hate feeling so... pulled in many directions. Yeah.

And as April creeps up on me I find I miss someone more and more. These next few months aren't going to be easy. -sighs- Six years. It's hard to believe it. Six fucking years.

I tell you, it certainly doesn't get easier as it goes, but... it gets easier to pretend it's easier, I guess. Some days I've convinced myself it's easy and that I'll keep moving along just fine. Other days I lock myself up in my room all day and try to sleep because at least when I'm sleeping it doesn't hurt, and it feels like I haven't been moving along at all over the past six years.

I kinda feel partially to blame for that one, too. If I wasn't so selfish and stubborn, if I had just given in to such a simple request... things would be so much different. They'd be so much easier.

Mrs. Mueller always used to say that in life, when things happen, you can either become bitter or better. When I first heard that, it had hit me like a brick that I had become so, so bitter. So I started to allow myself to change, for the better. But looking back, it feels like I really haven't gone far. In fact, it just feels like I've picked up a whole new kind of bitter instead. No better. No better, not even a little. And that's a tiring thought. Ideally, I'd like to see myself as being better. Realistically, I know I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever be able to be, at least, not entirely, not even half. Maybe a little, eventually, but never completely.

But hey, at least I tried, right?

I mentioned to someone the other day that, if another one of me were to exist, I wouldn't be able to stand her. There is no possible way I wouldn't try to kill (or at least fight) my other-self in that situation. I would hate me. It's not that I hate myself; please don't misinterpret. I'm disappointed with who I've become, but that doesn't mean I hate myself. It's just, if i had to put up with someone that even has half the traits I do I wouldn't be able to stand them.

All this talk about how I've changed over the last six years reminds me of something my sister told me, just a few months ago, the night my Uncle Martin died. She told me I changed - she had told me this before, but this time there was a new twist on it. I had "completely" changed. I wasn't the same at all. Not even a little. I had become a completely different person. (all indirect quotes here.) And so, being instantly scared by her words, I asked her if it was a good change, or a bad change. I had to know. I wasn't just curious, I literally felt an ache - I was literally aching to know. I had to know. I had to. So I asked her; and you know what she said? She just shrugged, and said, "I don't know, you just changed."

And for some reason, that really, really hurt. Had I really changed so much that I wasn't even comparable by any means whatsoever to the person I had been six years ago? Not even close enough at all to judge whether the change was good or bad? Had I really changed so much? That thought scared me, it scared me more than ever. I wanted/still want to go back, and be the person I was before.

The problem is... I've lost her.

I know my memory is bad, but this, this is the worst thing I could've forgotten. I can't even remember his face, but I still hate myself more for forgetting who I was back then. I mean, at least, for his face, I've got pictures, and even videos (which also help with his voice). But for myself? I have nothing - no documentation of my former self. Not even a scrap of an inkling is left in my collective memory regarding the person that 13-year-old-Patricia was.

I didn't want to change, especially when it makes me so distant from my own sister... I want to be who I was, back then. But who was I? I can only recall a few things that I liked, and some I didn't like (one of them is the reason I feel so guilty over what happened), but I can't remember how I would act, what I would do, or even the kind of people I liked to associate myself with.

I have seriously forgotten who I was, and this scares me. Because I know she was better than the person I am now.

I mean, sure, since what happened all those years ago I've become a little more understand, and a little more helpful and wise for when people need someone to talk to, or even advice. But other than that... what am I? Who was I then? I want to know, so badly. I want to be that person I can't be any more, because I forgot her. I buried her in my own stupid problems and now I can't dig her out. It sucks.

I want to be who I used to be, especially if it means I'll close that huge rift... no, wound... that's been left between me and my sister. I'm tired of her acting like we're fine one minute, then screaming at me and genuinely hating me the next. It's like she's bandaging my wounds only to tear the tourniquet off and rub pig shit in 'em and then start all over again (seriously, pig shit burns when it gets into an open wound. I know from experience). And I hate that. I hate being the reason she's pushed away from me. I hate this gap that's formed between us, and this unreliable, shaky bridge that's there. I swear, that things only there at all because we're blood related.

But she said that I've changed, and she said it in a way that has led me to believe I'm not even anywhere near who I used to be.

I wonder if she can't compare if I'm worse or better now than then because maybe... maybe she's forgotten who I was, too? Could... that be possible? I don't feel it's probable; I just know it's possible. Maybe the old me is so far gone that even those who knew her best can't even remember her smile. That thought scares me, because I so desperately want her back. There's only one person I want back more than I want her back, but I know I can't have him back. I still feel at fault for why he left, so why the hell should I deserve to get him back? Why the hell should I even deserve to be the old me, then? Maybe this new, ugly me is the punishment for my selfishness that day. Perhaps I'm doomed to forever live with a me I can't stand because I fucked over the me I could.

But then is it really so fair that it doesn't matter if I torture my family or not?





You may think this is all weird and deep but seriously, I think about shit like this all the time :| Perhaps I'm trying too hard to both repair and move on with the damage I've done in my life. I can't do both, so I suppose the question is, which one should I do? Are either of them even worth doing? Perhaps I could just sit here and stare at this lovely mess I'm in. -sighs- So many options, so much effort that needs to be put into them.



Well, anyways, I'm tired (both physically, and tired of thinking) so I'm going to go to sleep and distract myself with thoughts of what I'm going to draw Aerron for his birthday (which I so lovingly missed/neglected.)

Night, all.

I'm going to be an auuuunt. And pink rabbit girl... things.

Or an uncle. Me and my sister are fighting over that right.

But yus, Jessie is pregnant, so that's cool.

Other things that happened my week off:

- got high on paint fumes
- painted waaaay too much shed wall in only two days (thus the highness) to the point where my one hand because virtually useless, and any movement shrouded it in unearthly pain
- got to see Bob, hooray
- got to pester Shirley, huuhuu
- watched what may very well be my new favorite anime (whathwat? more on this later)
- lost the "what-war" with David (so I'm not drawing him any moar fanarts of his character dressed like a schoolgirl. Psssh.)
- Dad had his birthday party, he's 47! :D
- rekindled my will to write that very tragic novel (gonna restart it, at some point)
- avoided the french kid like crazy
- gave Shirley a tour of my desk... mess... thing... (every ten seconds it was like, "Oh, cool! I found my lightsaber back! Awesome, a really old sketchbook... ew, no, that can go back... oooh, what's this, a fanfic I printed off? Hey! My Prismacolors!")
- slept until two in the afternoon (whatwhat? the first time I've ever ACTUALLY slept that long)
- missed church due to really, REALLY bad splitting-omg-im-dying-headache.
- ate real food. hooray~
- made my sister hate me all over again
- watched some sailor moon with Kelly, ahahah
- wrote the most AMAZING Bleach fanfic ever, of course, with Kelly (see hurr for it: it'll be the one called "Preggo")
- drew a cool picture, but left it at home, so you can't see it yet


and probably more but it's all a blur, so nyeh to that.


Anyways, more about this anime I started/finished.
Never have I been so addicted. I watched 20 episodes in one day, part way through, because it was so good!

But I'm too lazy to go over detials, but the plot was AMAZING. Like, seriously, it kept me intrigued the whole time and as it thickened each twist became more dramatic, and even the ending was an amazing surprise (that actually made sense!) One of the episodes even almost made me cry (episode 42, so sad! Uwaaah!)

Anyways, that's not the most shocking bit. That's right, you heard me, the fact a shoujo got me so addicted and even almost made me cry is not the worst of it. Wait until you see my favourite character.


Meroko; the pink rabbit girl... thing.


Seriously, she's amazing.
((I couldn't find any of the video clips I wanted to D: Damn obscure animes. DX)

Augh

Sorry guys, won't be able to NaNo again until wednesday. Final projects, pah.

Anyways, I had a rather uneventful, but rather fun weekend. All in all, everything went well. ^^ I got to hang out with lots of people (Kelly included, yaay!) I finally made it it youth group since College started (finally, lol), and I hit the 10k mark on NaNoWriMo.

Yeah.

So yeah. Nothing too exciting here, even though for some reason I feel really pumped and all excited about something. Hwaaah.

Oh yeah, I did go write the communications midterm re-write thing, because I studied up ona few of the questions I did get wrong. So on the re-write I'm fairly certain I got those right, but... the last page of multiple choice, the page I got PERFECT on, well... the bastard teacher took it off this midterm. DAMMIT. I KNEW EVERYTHING on that page! Gwaaaah! Ah well. I'm fairly certain I did better, though, if only just a little. But yeah. Report time. Waugh. Stupid Plant ID. I'm only doing this report so I don't fail, and therefore won't have to take this class again >3>

TO MOTIVATE MYSELF TO DO IT, I bought a really yummy-looking doughnut from Tim Horton's. And I will not allow myself to eat it until I at least have... hmm, let's see... Part B done. Yeah. That means the majority of my assignment will be done. Well, it depends on how long part B takes. If it takes far too long, I'll lemme have some delicious, delicious vanilla strawberry doughnut when I'm half done part B. Yeah.

Anyways, I better get doing this damned report thingie due on wednesday... ten pages or moar, waaah...

Okay, so, weekend stuffs.

Alright Travis, since you were wondering...

I did get home all quiet like and seemingly didn't wake my parents up, but the next morning my mom was like "RAWR! Why weren't you home on time? Why did you get home at 3.30?! rawr!" and it was scary. ...And she grounded me from driving, rotfl. (yes, it's that funny to me; I NEVER type "rotfl".)

And that's about the worst that got. Spend sunday afternoon playing rockband (yeah!)

And then

on monday

i went to play it and it wouldn't fucking work.

I opened the disc tray, pulled the dis out and... it seems my Xbox scratched the shit out of the bottom on the disc D=<

So when I went to Neil's house for TG supper (we're having ours next week now, and I really wanted turkey), i gave him the disc and asked him if he'd go talk to/yell at/bitch out Mike (guy I bought it from) about it. And he did. =3 So now I just gotta wait 'til I'm home on friday to go see if Mike could fix it (he said he'd try).

So yeah, I'm not so happy about that.






On a side note, this is what I came here to actually post;
Since I no longer have an interest in blogging, but Travis will get mad if I don't, I'll instead be doing daily reports on what my dorm room smells like.

Today it's a cross between crispy old leaves (not so good) and apples. Not a good smell, by any means, but not completely intollerable, either. It smells better than most people's rooms. The apple smell must be left over from yesterday; this room smelled delicious yesterday~

On another side note, they jacked up the prices on those god forsaken vending machines. So instead of getting my Sprite (which would, of course, inevitably mean I'd get a coke instead), I had to buy a can of Nestea. Not that I'm complaining, because at least this time it gave me all of my change back. -sighs-

55 minutes and I can go home

So, I spent all of Soils class studyin' (seriously, all he was talking about was groundwater, most stuff of which I already know), spent half of math studyin' (he was just helping the class do the work I already had finsihed), did a math test, finished 20min earlier than the majority of the class, then I went downstairs (my Plant ID class is in the basement of the Ag building, whereas Soils and Math are both in the Ag Theatre, on the first floor), and sat in the hall... and studied. XD

It almost worked, I remembered a helluva lot more than I would have. I definately got more than seven plants down. I remembered the names alright, it's just the leaves i had some trouble with D:
The maples came pretty easy, they're simple to tell apart. So I'm pretty sure I nailed all nine of those.
The dog woods were a bit trickier - I remembered that flowering dogwood (Cornus florida) had the biggest of dogwood leaves, pagoda dogwood (Cornus alternifolia) has alternating leaves (the only dogwood to have this), and kousa dogwood (Cornus kousa) was the one with the tiny leaves. So I got those three dogwoods okay. I knew the sweet gum (Liquidambar styraciflua) right off the bat, as well as the ginkgo (Ginkgo biloba), but I think everyone knew the ginkgo. =\ I mean, seriously, if you see that things leaves you'd understand why. The ivies were easy, but sadly enough I spelt their genus totally wrong. DX Like, it doesn't even sound like what it's supposed to, so I probably won't even get part marks. I got fucking names from my warriors site stuck in my head, half of which are latin, so instead of putting "Parthenocissus" as their genus, I definately put "Pantheracissus" or something of the sort. >=| Stupid Panthera. I love him, I do, but his stupid name is stuck in my fucking head. DX

But yeah I can continue ranting about plant names buuuuut I don't love you enough. XD

And I get to see my puppy in about two hours, gleee~
And I guess Bob has Clash of Ninja 3 WHICH I WANT, so I'm going to "hang out" with him this weekend (and by "hang out" I mean use him for Shino, lol). And I hope that Jackie isn't there. I love her, I do... but the bitch hates me. DX I didn't do anythiiiiing. -whines-

STAG AND DOE >=|

IT WAS FUCKING AMAIZING THNXUVURYMUCH.

Actually yeah it was honestly one of the funnest parties I've ever been to.

...Y'know, aside from the discovery that Jackie hates me to the point of running off in tears because she seems to think I'm trying to steal her boyfriend.

...

BUT THE FOOD WAS GOOD.
And Jenny Dunlop was there, yaaay~
I was drunk lol