"This news shocked me too when my brain first reported it."
- Myself

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Posted this on AG, now let's put it here.

WARNING: deep, personal TL;DR wall of text ahead. I posted this on AG first, but I feel like posting it here. I might take it down eventually, I dunno yet.

I haven't mentioned it much, but these past couple years I have been trying to change myself. Not so much the eat healthier, sleep better, blah, blah, blah, stuff, but my actual personality and how I act or react to things that happen around me. The kind of person I am.

(you can skip the next couple of paragraphs if you know of my history of being a little mentally fucked)

I first came to AG in early '03, and later that year my little bro died. Escapism struck me pretty quick, and that's when I first ventured to the General boards. And then I just kinda... stayed there. It was only a matter of months before I had degraded to a completely different person. I became violent, I gained a ridiculous case of aphenphosmphobia, I grew very very good at fake smiling, and inside, I was just angry at everyone and everything and I didn't know why. I stopped having dreams. My siblings became strangers. I would do all I can to stay home and not go anywhere if I didn't absolutely have to. I hated a lot of things and was mean to a lot of people. Over the next few years I had gotten a bit better, a little less violent, physical contact with other humans didn't send me into a blind rage (but I still detested it strongly), a lot of my smiles were real, but I was still pretty angry inside. I had never cried since my brother died, and I still haven't cried since then. At one point during this time, my mom said we were going out for pizza, so I grudgingly clambered into the van, only to find out half way to town she was actually taking me to a shrink. My reaction was an emotionless face but inside a raging shit storm started. I was pissed that my mom thought I was crazy. The anger and that thought didn't die for quite a few years.

Then, in gr. 12, I had writer's craft class. That class gave me a good creative outlet and it really helped me heal some. And one day, my teacher - who is the sweetest, nicest, most awesome lady I've ever met - told something to our class. She told us, basically, that when things go wrong, you can react one of two ways. "You can get bitter or you can get better."

And that's when it hit me that I had gotten bitter since my brother passed away, so very bitter.

Around this time in my life there was a guy. He was pretty messed in the head, but he claimed he loved me. I was dubious, and we never officially dated, but he had a lot of mental issues and I wanted to help him through it. For a few years he was my best friend, but then a bunch of shit went down and I realized he had been fucking with my head the entire time. We started fighting a lot, and eventually, just one random day, he was chewing me out for something and trying to make me feel guilty like he always did, and right then and there I realized how tired I was of being toyed with like that and I realized that it needed to stop, and that I could easily stop it. So instead of trying to come to a compromise or trying to turn it around like I usually did, I plain and simply said "Fine, fuck you." and I haven't seen/talked to him since. FEELS SOOOOO GOOD OMFG. Also, found out about a year ago he's a compulsive liar IT ALL MAKES SENSE. This is turning into a tangent, I digress.

Over the last two or three years I've been struggling to rise above the shitpile I had turned myself into. I let myself smile real smiles more. I let go of my anger through writing and drawing. I got over my shyness and stopped pretending to be things I wasn't, I talked to people, I was my real self, and I tried so hard not to lie about anything. I made some real friends, got in contact with someone that had been a best friend before my brother died, and we're still best friends to this day - thank god for that. I've been working to chase my dreams, which isn't easy, and it's scary, but it's turning into a fun adventure. Admittedly, right now, if someone hugged me, I don't think I would push them away. I wouldn't necessarily enjoy it, but I wouldn't react negatively. In fact, the other day, one of my new friends was crying and without a word I gave her a quick hug (then told her that I don't really hug people, but I was worried. we then talked it out a bit, and we're closer now so that's cool). Also, over the last few years, I've found I really enjoying going out and goofing off with friends - for quite a while now I've not been one to want to stay home and sulk in my own escapism. FEELS GOOD, MAN. At some point in here, not sure when, it kinda clicked that I spent too much time trying to figure out my head. So I stopped worrying about whatever the hell my brain was doing and I just focused on becoming what I wanted to be. (In all honesty, there was quite a long stretch of time in there where I honestly had no idea what emotions I was feeling at any point - I just knew that I was FEELING things, and I often reacted inappropriately to the given emotion 'cause I didn't know what I was actually feeling. It's hard to go back to having emotions other than raw rage. you forget how everything feels, and you're not sure what anything is supposed to be, you just know suddenly something feels different and you're not sure what and you don't know why and you've no idea how to treat it or act upon it. It's hard to describe... kinda like how when your legs fall completely asleep and you need to walk but you can't feel them, hold yourself up or move them, but you kinda can. hard to asplain D: hurrr)

Basically, I've been changing for the better.

Now, for this next part, I don't believe entirely in dream interpretation, but I do think some truth lies in the whole 'dreams are a message from your subconscious' statement.
But over the last few years, I've started dreaming again. Each time I wake up from one, I pop online and check dream dictionaries. Most of them were things that meant I needed to change my life, which I was well aware of. As time progressed, I started having dreams that told me I either had secrets I needed to tell people or that I needed to stop hiding - I had to turn that better person I was pretending to be into what I actually was (*note: this is an old habit from the fake smiles, I think. I had gained the mentality that if I can continuously fake an action or behavior, I will adapt to it and it would become real). Just a few nights ago I had a dream (read: nightmare) that had a confusing as fuck translation that meant I was doing well at changing for the better and had changed a lot in my life, also that I needed desperately to change for the better because I hadn't changed at all, and it also translated into me being an awful person that is sneaky, secretive, greedy and childish but apparently I'm also open, honest, helpful and a good friend. So that was a confusing little mindfuck. I decided stress was a factor; school and some family stuff had me a little stressed.

But last night... last night I had a really peaceful dream. I'm not as stressed as I was before, because I've gotten better at time management and there's been nothing but good family news lately. The dream was fun, it was good, there were a few things in it that made me a little uneasy but overall it was one of those dreams that puts someone in a really fucking good mood.

So, I looked it up. If it's any true indication to what's going on, I've done well for myself. It was very much a dream of celebration and happiness, and it meant I'm pretty much well on my way to becoming that kind of person I wanna be/I'm almost that person I wanna be. I think there's some truth to that.

Now that my siblings have grown up, moved out, got married, and have kids, I never fight with them any more. Me and my brother get along well, I wish I were closer to him, but at least we don't fight any more. Our conversations and visits still feel awkward though. I do care about him a lot and I want to tell him that, but it's kind of weird still I guess. ^^" My sister and I, on the other hand, well, she's stopped being bipolar towards me (back in the day, she'd be clingy and all "i love yooou~" one minute, the next she'd be beating the shit out of me and screaming about how much I've changed and how much she hated the person I had become - honestly part of why I wanted to change so bad lol), and now we even talk about stuff we could never talk about before. Whenever I'm home I spend nearly 1/3 of my time with her and my nephew, and now she even texts me every few days to tell me she misses me. I think I've successfully fixed that sibling relation.

These past few months, I have been really happy. I've been a little stressed, but I think I've spent less time depressed and down on myself in the last few months than I have in years upon years. I honestly feel free. I honestly, truly believe I've broken out of being a bitter person, I honestly think I'm back on the right track towards being 'better'. I'm not there yet, but holy shit, have I ever put a lot of ground behind me!

I think... I think that I really am on my way to becoming better. I'm able to greet people with a real smile, I'm making good friends, everyone seems to be pretty friendly with me, and I am doing my best to be kind and honest and helpful and friendly to everyone I meet. I'm more open-minded and easy-going than I've ever been. I compliment people where I can, and I ALWAYS mean it - and I'm always truly, honestly thankful whenever someone pays me a compliment. I'm just about over my phobia, I think - still some reservations, but whatever - I'm doing well at getting over myself. Just gotta keep pushing through it, it's working so far. I honestly wanna be one of those people that people think of and say, "yeah, that person is a good person". I still have the occasional day where out of nowhere I'm just angry at everything and I hate everyone, but I fix those days but ignoring communication with the outside world and either drawing it out, writing it out, or watching movies/anime/reading comics/recording lines/whatever until it goes away. Listening to angry music at these times seems to help too, haha.

And then there's the fact of my sexuality. I still haven't figured it out exactly; not worrying about it for now, I'll worry about it when the time comes. I'm still fairly certain I'm asexual, since I really have no desires to anything with anyone of either gender, but I still got some hetero tendencies in there. If I HAD to pick a gender I like, I'd pick men, hands down, but I'd still much rather have nothing to do with either of them. That's where I stand now, I think, but like I said, not worrying about that for now.

Ah, forgot to mention the voices in my head. They've been fairly quiet the past few months, almost a year. The times I hear them are getting more and more sparse. MY MIND IS LIBERATED! haha


Rose said...

Trish, I've only known you for a few years, but I've always seen you to be a free and genuine person. I think that sharing all of this willingly is a good indicator that you have put many things behind you and that you have been largely successful in meeting your personal goals. :)

freethephoenix said...

When Travis first told me about you, his angry female friend who doesn't like to be touched, I was actually very worried that you were suffering from some kind of emotional/physical/sexual abuse. I sort-of kept an eye on you since then, and when I found out about your brother everything started making sense.
Anyway, wow. You've been trying so hard. I'm so amazed. Did your high school friends factor into any of this?

Raventail said...

Rose; Thanks! =D I've been trying hard and it makes me glad to hear that! :D

Jess; Haha, probably. I'm still not sure how everything worked out, but considering those same friends are still with me and I'm more comfortable being the me I am now around them then the person I used to be, I'd definitely have to say they've had to have some part!