I'm Alive

Never again will I be dishonored
And never again will I be reminded
Of living within the world of the jaded
They kill inspiration
It's my obligation
To never again, allow this to happen
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
Denying the sin
My art, my redemption
I carry the torch of my fathers before me

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

Change again, cannot be considered
I rage again, dispelling my anger
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
My art, my redemption, my only salvation
I carry the gift that I have been blessed with
My soul is adrift in oceans of madness
Repairing the rift that you have created
I am not alone, brothers, give me your arms now

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive

I'm no slave
Are you feeling brave?
Or have you gone out of your mind?
No more games
It won't feel the same
If I hold my anger inside
There's no meaning
My soul is bleeding
I've had enough of your kind
One suggestion, use your discretion
Before you label me blind

The thing I treasure most in life cannot be taken away
There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die
Though they will not understand
I won't make the greatest sacrifice
You can't predict where the outcome lies
You'll never take me alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive

weekend tiem

okay so whenever the hell i get to go home today, i will grab a shower and go to becky's. i've barely been here 24 hours and i want to go home already. it doesn't help that becky came home from ottawa yesterday just to see me, but i had to go to school DX stupid school.

so yeah i'm off for the weekend then. maybe this visit will make me feel better. ;_;

The Chairty Event I Was Allowed to Drink At That Sucked.

When I had got offline we went to a charity event where I planned on doing lots and lots of drinking. But half way through my attempt at getting hammered my mother got a call on her cellphone; my Uncle Martin had died.

So yeah. Since I'm not going back to college until about mid-week I'll be stuck with dial-up until then, and as well, I might not have a muse for posting.

My uncle died yesterday, so yeah... (it was a sudden death too. We're still waiting to hear back from the coroner about what happened.)

But when shit happens like this my muse likes to go to extremes; either I'll swear off roleplaying for days at a time or I'll get so absorbed in roleplaying I'll have over ten threads going.

As a side note, by the time we left Uncle Martin and Aunt Maria's house I was sober again. And I really, really wish I wasn't.

I'm very worried about my cousins, especially Deanna, the second youngest in that family. Valerie, Paula, (those two showed up later, it took them a while to get home from University) and Rachel were all switching between bawling and zoning out (Paula did a lot of zoning out, she almost fainted, too. PS she's the anorexic one). But Deanna... she wasn't crying. She wasn't zoning out. She was helping to make coffee for everyone and comforting her mom and sisters, talking about how she was going to take a year off from school (she's in gr. 12, going to university next year) to take care of her mom, calling relatives to let them know, etc., etc... she was basically being the strong one.

...Just like I was.

And that's why I'm worried most about her. Because that road... it's probably the darkest one. Because when you're on it, you're completely, utterly alone. And, naturally, you don't tell anyone you are. You keep it inside, because you need to be strong for your family. And as you help your family get back up on their feet, you're still sinking. To use a metaphor, think like the black knight. Whereas everyone else would be like "AAAAH I'M BLEEDING WHERE'D MY ARMS GO?!" he was like, "'Tis just a flesh wound." When obviously, it wasn't. =\ And even when argued with, he stuck with saying he was fine. Yeah. It's like that. A lot like that.

So I'm really, really worried for her.

When we went to leave, I told all of my cousins that if they ever needed to talk to me, I'd gladly listen and help any way I could. They all just sort of nodded, except Deanna. She smiled and said "Yeah, I'll probably take you up on that." ...which was a good feeling. It means she's already not as bad as I was. I really, really hope she does take me up on that. Because I have a feeling that she'll really need it. Before we left I also let Aunt Maria know that we're all there for her; she has a big, close family with lots of support. That really helps in times like these.

But I'm also kinda worried about Rachel, because she turns 16 soon (on Tuesday, I think?) ...so that's gotta be the worst.



But another person I'm worried about is my dad.
He... I can't actually tell if he took it well or not. It switches back and forth, but so slightly I barely notice. I'm not sure how he's doing... this is the second brother he lost; my Uncle Henry died when he was 16 (before I was born, of course), and now Uncle Martin died. Henry was the second youngest boy, Martin the third youngest in their family (dad's the youngest). So I can see how that might suck some, because when dad suddenly didn't have an also-kinda-the-youngest-boy he started hanging out with Martin more. And now he's gone, too. ;_;

This is no fun.

;_;

Maybe it's a thursday thing...

Okay, so, funny shit today, yeah. I was very "OOC", if it's possible for a real lize person to be so. At any rate, here's my story.

So I was over on that Bleach site I did the layout for, right? Well me and the girl who plays Yumichika (the pretty-boy that's in Kenny's squad, he always hangs around with Ikkaku, the bald guy) both like Renji, and everyone else on the site either hates him or thinks he's gay. Well somehow, for some reason, she wound up posting a most interesting picture that got some of the haters to think twice about hating, and some of the gay-theorizers to... er... well, they didn't rethink their opinions, but they didn't have any smart comments to make for this, so it's all good.

But to best document my reaction to this picture to them all, I drew a comic.

Anyways, here's my reaction-comic;





Now, before I go and show you the picture that made me do it (after a very long time), I need to point out two things.
1) after I went back and re-read the text the picture suddenly wasn't so cool anymore.
2) It was the hair that made me do that (I turn into a Renji fangirl under any one of the following two conditions: he's either covered in blood, or his hair is down), no this wardrobe (or lackthereof) (because after all, I see shirtless guys everyday and have since I was a baby. It's really nothing shocking/appalling/attractive or noteworthy to me, really....)

okay good now that that's cleared up. Here it is.

A Testament of True Friendship! PART TWO! :O

...okay, so, it's roughly 6ish, right? Usually the time Jenny and I are done supper. I didn't go, because I still felt like shit. In fact, I hadn't seen Jenny since she had finished classes a few hours before six.

At any rate, who should pop in but my new bestest best friend herself! And guess what she had... a tray of nachos and cheese and a DOUGHNUT! Uwaaaa!

It was so good. ;_; Jenny is so good to meee. I don't deserve such a friiieeennnd!

A Testament of True Friendship!

Okay so today, I felt like shit. ;_; so I decided not to go eat lunch because Ridgetown's food makes my kidneys hurt and I didn't wanna have to deal with that ontop of feeling sick.

So Jenny wanders by my door and goes, "Trish, did you go for lunch?"

"No... I'm not really feeling good."

"Aww! Do you wanna come to lunch with me?"

"No... I'm not really feeling good."

"Do you want me to bring you back some food?"

"No... I'm not really feeling good."

"I'll bring you back some soup, how does that sound?"

"...Okay."

"Alright. See you later!"

so she leaves, right? Yeah. So yeah. 20 minutes later Jenny comes back, walks in my room, and hands me not ONE but TWO styrofoam containers containing soup. Chicken noodle, to boot! (the only good soup our caf ever makes, and they rarely make it) She barely snuck out with two but she got away with it anyways. X3

So i was all happy and overwhelmed and all like "Ah! Jenny! You're my best friend! Thank you so much!" because it was amazing of her to do that.

...but then, oh, but then, it gets better.

Nice, polite, wouldn't-do-a-damn-thing-that-isn't-right Jenny says "Oh, wait, here." and she undoes the velcro on the end of the sleeve on her coat. She shakes her arm and... out falls a spoon, right onto my bed! SHE EVEN STOLE A SPOON FOR ME SO I COULD EAT IT!

How often do you have a friend that would steal a spoon for you?!

So yeah, I'm not going to lie, I was so happy I hugged her (half-hug, from the side, y'know?). And damn, it was tasty, tasty soup. And I am feeling a bit better since then.

Jenny is such an amazing friend. ;_;

And I get to bring her home this weekend, yaaaay! :D

;_;

I... need to stop drinking.

i think i've got it figured out.

okay ive had this problem thats been bugging me for montsh now but i think i finall ygot it figured out! I know what to dooo! Well i actually figured it out a while ago but i forgot and that bothered me because i had an awesome solution but then it was goone! but now i remembered. andi wrote it down so theres; no way im gonna forget this time1

fuck this shit im fina;;y gonna fix things, as soon as i can! yeah! empowurred! hwahwahwahwah

in the meantime HIGH RISK, NO RETURN! god what a catchy song hwahwa

but yeah i think i found a solution to my mental agony, and i wrote it down, so hopefully, if all goes well, shit will be fixed.

highly unlikely htough, as i tend to fuck everything up worse whn i try to fix it, so i hope im as unsober as i am now when i try to fix it so i cna blame it on drunkenness1 hwahwahwa

anyways yeah so im highly likely to fucks it up but i finally got it figured ut whats going in in my head and why my head is going on with those thigns going on in it hahaha so yeah. gonna try to fix it.. probably make it worse... but at least for a few minutes, ill feel better. that's good enough, ne?

Trying to find this damn song...

Okay, so, I have this song stuck in my head.
Only, out of this ten minute or so song, I only have like, a 30 second clip of it stuck in my head. And it isn't in english.

I know the translation off by heart, but it hasn't helped me yet.
I love it regardless. It's such a haunting melody, but so catchy at the same time. Makes me want to sing along. But ugh... what is this song called?! DX

Won't anyone play with me?
I'm so fed up with this monotony,
I might just do something mischievous.

Butterfly, butterfly,
Shall I tell you where the water is?
Sweet or bitter water...
Just choose the one you like best.

AUGH WHAT SONG IS IT?! DX
I've been youtubing like mad, and I'm slowly getting there.

I know a few things about this song that are kinda helping;
It's Japanese. There goes 90% of the songs I know.
It's from ONE of the 8 Rock Musical Bleaches. That narrows my search down to... 184 songs.
One of the captains sing it, which narrows it down to... about 90 songs or so.

I'm going to be on youtube all night, I don't care, I'm finding this damn song! DX


EDIT: FOUND IT OMG FINALLY.
Skip ahead to about 2.06 or so, and watch until about 2.26.
Seriously.
this. part. won't. leave. my. FUCKING HEAD. DX


EDITEDIT: I found another translation for Gin's bit where the last part is something like "Butterfly, butterfly, what kind of honey do you want? Sweet or bitter, I'll give you both either way" or something like that. I like the translation above better, obviously.

--

IT'S TEARING UP MY HEART WHEN I'M WITH YOU BUT WHEN WE ARE APART I FEEL IT TOO AND NO MATTER WHAT I DO I FEEL THE PAIN WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!

(bow-bow bowbowbow, YEAH, bow-bow bowbow bow-bow-bow)

-dead-

-laughs so hard she chokes and dies-



-rises from the dead only to laugh more-
-dies again-

Rock Musical Bleach Saien: Now with more Kira!

Anyways, I finished making a Bleach layout for someone's site and she rewarded me by introducing me to the Rock Musical Bleaches. They... well... er... okay, I'll pick one word for these. Euphoric. There.

Now go away while I anxiously await my torrent to hurry up and finish downloading.

Rage?

Today was a good day... generally. But comparing a good day to a good novel, there's always that twist at the end you least expect. Now, let me tell you about my "good day".

First things first... breakfast was actually cooked today; the bacon was crispy and delicious. I wasn't late for class. I'm one of the few people that gets accounting (out of a class of a few hundred, that's not bad). I spent two hours talking to my room mate - good gods, we spoke to eachother! - and have deduced that just because she's a bit older than me and more serious about her schooling and doesn't ever ever ever watch movies, she's still actually pretty alright. I managed to keep my socks dry up until lunch (a new record for me). At lunch, one of Jenny's new friends drove us to Timmie's, where we sat and ate and talked about animals and books for well over an hour. Almost went to Chattam with them, too; but wanting time to sit still and do nothing for 3 hours before class I chose that instead. In that time I sat still and did nothing, I almost finished that layout I was working on for Kin's Bleach site. Class was entertaining; I think I'll like this teacher, and this class.

And then came the anger.

I literally don't know what spurred it on. As soon as I left class, and was on the way up the stairs to my room, I just felt so. unjustifiably. angry. At nothing! I just suddenly felt really pissed off, and I didn't know why. For some reason... it felt good, too. I dunno. Hard to explain. I'm still wondering why I was angry (and I still feel the effects a bit, still feeling a little ranty and PO'd), and I'm still wondering why it felt like a good anger. Like I needed it, or something. I dunno. I plan on sitting alone in my room tonight and dwelling on it for a while (I swear, if Solo pesters me to play nwn one more time, I'll actually have a reason to feel angry!)


But yeah. That was my day. Bahye guys.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRAVIS. :D

PS because my nifty floral design class my room smells like carnations :D