Arrrgggghhhh!

Okay, so, here's my problem.

There were some voice clip things I had to record on friday that I never got any moment of peace to do, and finally, this afternoon, I was alone here in my room in res and I was like "FUCK YES RECORDING TIEM" and then as soon as I got Audacity open Jenny walks now.

Now, Jenny knows I do this voiceover shit, and she's totally cool with it, and I have no problems attempting to do VA shit in front of people (some people) but the problem is this:

No matter how cool with it she is, as soon as I turn on my mic and start shouting into my computer, she's going to laugh. She's Jenny - she won't mean nothing by it, and she'll try hard not to, but she'll just laugh anyways. Trust me, I know this shit. Hurrrr, and it's not that I'm all like "OMG SHe'S LAUGHIIING" it's the fact that I'm RECORDING shit, including all background noise - which includes laughter. Hurrrrrrr.

Also, my schedule all week is epic fail, and therefore tuesdays are the only afternoons I get alone time to record shit.

Because Jenny has less class tiem than I do every other day.

...And Jenny never leaves the room long enough for me to get down to recording shit.
Seriously, she NEVER LEAVES. Worse than I never leave! (I mean, I do go to pub nights, and I do wander around town sometimes, and I also visit and sometimes party with my other friends. But she nevar leeeaaaaves. The only times she does is for class, or if I'm going somewhere and taking her with me. Usually at her invite. omgwtf.)


So yeah, somehow this turned from a rant of me wanting at least an hour alone to record shit, to a rant on how I don't get an hour alone to record shit. Believe me, the two things are VERY different. Baaaw.

But the most annoying thing of all;

I LOST MY FUCKING TABLET PEN. I left it on my tablet, in that nifty little slot for it, and even had the cord wrapped all snug around it, yet when I was home on the weekend I picked up my tablet and the pen was GONE. I looked in every stack of pens and pencils and colouring tools and books and sheets and sketchbooks and portfolios on that damned bench, and no pen. I looked on the floor. I looked under things on the floor. I looked aaaalll around the room for about 30 min. I even tore apart MY room trying to find it.

And. it's. gone. :(

I can't afford a new tablet right now, but I can't afford to tell Mr. Boss-man, "Oh, hi, Boss-san. Remember those animated parody/shorts I was gonna animate for this project series tihng? Ahahaha yeah no can't sorry."

I MEAN WTF. Auuugh. Frustratioooon.

I can't even do oekaki anymoar. ;_; because laptop mouse is sucks, and Paint hates laptop mouse. TABLET PEN WANT. Auuueerrrrrrrrrggggghhh!

Displeased Bacon is displeased. >_<

UWAAAAH.

Before I begin, to answer your question on my last blog, Jessica, yes, yes I do. ;_;

On with the entry.
I say "Uwaaaah" for three reasons;

1. Totally just failed my plant prop exam. Fuck you, tissue culture!

2.

3. Just finished an animation in flash of a person unsheathing a sword and it was really cool and when I closed the preview I accidentally closed the window and my finger clicked "no" to save changes because it's a bitch with a natural reflex to do that. ;_;

Also, I'm updating my entry below this to include Plant Propagation as done, and to update the chapter of Amatsuki I'm on.

Uwuuh... MOST RETARDED DREAM EVER.

I was going to post something of significance here but I can't remember what. Uhhh...

Oh yeah! When I went back to school yesterday I had 2 or 3 people tell me that on Tuesday night - the night I left - my room mate got extremely drunk and puked in our neighbor's closet. I guess she doesn't even remember drinking. As well, according to Sarah, when she walked in our room Wednesday morning, she noticed there was no air mattress on the floor and my bed was not messy. So she asked my room mate, Annemarie, where Jason slept. Aparently, he slept in her bed. ...And so did she. Whuuuuut? (but nothing happened out side of actual sleep, I guess)

She's the one who always babysits all the other drunks. Had I not gone home, something tells I would have been the one babysitting. Harrharr.

Anyways, so yeah, it's Spring Expo weekend and everyone's staying at Ridgetown, except for myself, who went home promptly after class last night.

Since it's Spring Expo weekend, in Floral Design we were supposed to make corsages but since I wasn't going I got to make whatever the hell I wanted. I made a pretty pretty flower crown~ You can see it on my dA, here. Yeah. Took me three hours. It was sweet.

I finsihed up my flower crown, the girl in our class who is a photographer took pretty pictures of it for me/it on me, and we had fun.

Then I went home and got food. And played Rock Band. Then I slept.

I was so happy because last night Zetsu slept on my bed, which he hasn't done in weeks. It made me happy inside. Then I realized that my cousin Steve was sleeping on my couch, therefore my dog could not, so that's probably the only reason he slept on my bed. ;_; I feel so much less important now.

I hate not being home most of the time. Zetsu hardly spends time with me, aside from when he wants to play. He doens't even come when I call him any more. ;_;

In equally sad news, Travis' latest post made me feel really, REALLY bad about my art, I mean, because if his is considered crappy than what about mine? I'm so much worse off than he is. ;_; I suddenly feel so self concious about my drawings. ;_;


AND OMG! MOST SHOCKING UPDATE:

I had a dream.

I actually fucking dreamt.

I never dream!

and in my dream... now this is weird shit... Jimmie - you all know Jimmie, right? My steampunk character with the pretty long brown hair? Yeah? Good. - was a pirate.

That's right, good, respectable, kind-hearted, steam engine mechanic Jeremiah was a pirate. Whuuuut?

Anyways. For some reason he was like, a dog, and whenever Mareka (my blonde steampunk character) cried he'd turn back into people-Jimmie, but only until sunrise. Well, since she never cries, he was stuck as a dog for years and years, and for some reason I guess he was supposed to be dead? But anyways. So she's like, mid-20s by now and for some reason I don't even think existed she cried. And he turned into people. And for some reason he was on a pirate ship (that kept switching, inbetween "scenes" of my dream, from being traditional pirate-ship to steampunk pirate-ship, as did everyone's attire). And when he was a people he was like "holy shit I'm like, not a teenager any more D:". yeah. And then for some reason, Mareka, who was like, crying at home in the last scene, was now a prisioner on this ship, along with the rest of my good-guys main cast. Except for some reason Aerron and Angelina were still younger, and their kid Blake wasn't there, but their youngest child, still unnamed (because I haven't finished making them/naming them/haven't used them yet (it was one of the twins)) was also there.

And every day, the pirate crew would throw one of my charaters over board. And for some reason Jimmie was stuck human, and nobody recognized him? ...Well, when he did turn people, he grew a beard so they wouldn't. aparently bearded!Jeremiah =/= Jeremiah. Anyways. So Jeremiah/Jimmie was like "oh noes, I need to save them, but how?" so he noticed a nearby small tropical island thing. And he figured, "Okay, all my friends that are getting chuked over board are swimming there." And I guess he figured this because Mareka got thrown over board first, a few days prior to this discovery of his, and she wasn't dead yet. He somehow knew she wasn't dead, but I don't know how. Anyways.

So the pirate crew sends a small load of people to the island every day to gather food/supplies and stuff. And Jimmie realizes "Okay, they're not actually here to kill off my peeps, but they're gathering supplies. Making these guys walk the plank is just a bonus, for entertainment value." or something. I dunno. Anyways, all of my characters that were captives make it to the island, even the two year old kid of Aerron and Angelina's. wtf. Anyways. So all along Jimmie has been blending in as a pirate and getting buddy-buddy with the captain.

Eventually, in order to save his friends, he comes up with a cool idea. He goes to the captain and tells him something like "There's people on board who are planning a mutiny," because there were, but he never talks to them so how he knew I have no idea, and for some reason he said it in pirate-speak and how Jimmie would be able to talk like a convincing pirate I know not, and the captain was all like "orly?" and Jimmie was all "yarly" (I'm making this shit up). And it winds up the captain is all like, "omg this kid is awesome. I totally trust/like him. He's a great, loyal pirate." (oxymoron lol).

So the captain agrees to Jimmie's plan.

Here's Jimmie's plan: he convinced the captain to let him grab a few loyal crew members and all of the key members of the mutiny, go to the island for the last supply run - which was schedueled before the last person got thrown overboard (which was Aerron, I think, but it kept switching between being him and his wifey Angelina. In the end it was Aerron, anyways.) - but he got the captain to change it so they BROUGHT the last person to the island to be killed on this supply run. So anyways, Jimmie sneaks out early morning and takes one little boat that's towing another little boat all the way to the island. The captian watches him, amused, for no particular reason. He goes back with just one boat. Time rolls around for the last trip out, and for some reason the last person to be thrown over board actually isn't Aerron, but his and Angelina's yuongest children (now they're both there, and neither of them are overboard wtf), the twins.

So the twins are loaded in the boat along with the most loyal and most disloyal crew members, and off to shore they row~!

As soon as they get there Jimmie's like "btw I'm not here to kill the chrildens" and he pulls out his sword (which is actually canon! he does have one in the novel! But why it shows up now and not earlier... oh, PS, for some reason his beard is gone now) and just kills all the pirates! yaaay! And for some reason all the other MCs are there now. And then I realized he brought the other boat over earlier for a chance of escape, once they kill the pirates they can just row back to... er, wow, Jimmie, good plan, where the fuck are you going to go in that tiny boat. But anyways, good thing he brought it, because for some reason even though he killed all the pirates he brought with him the boat they came in is gone. So they're going to take the other boat away! But then out of nowhere it was just Jimmie and Mareka and it was night (even though five seconds earlier it was day) and he was like "btw when the sun rises I'll be a dog again" and she was like "oh, that sucks. That's okay you're just a ghost anyways." because aparently, she still thinks he's dead. And then depressed!Jimmie is all like "yeah I'm just a ghost" and then somewhere around there I woke up and was like

WTF! That wasn't even cool. What a retarded dream.

So I'm going over it in my head and trying to make the plot logical, or at least more smooth. and that damnned ship needs to stay steampunk. But anyways. I don't like dog!Jimmie and I don't like bearded!Jimmie and I don't like depressed!Jimmie and I don't like pirate!Jimmie. And I don't like crying!Mareka. And I don't like my dream's inability to make up it's mind. KEEP THE SHIP THE SAME. STOP SWITCHING AROUND WHO'S THERE AND WHO ISN'T. STOP MAKING THE CHARACTERS SWITCH SPOTS. STOP MAKING THINGS DISAPPEAR.

Omg. Seriously. It felt like drunken brainstorming for some hideous PotC/my novel crossover crack-fic that was planned within a whole two seconds and written without making a solid plot or working out the details. It wasn't even entertaining. It pissed me right the hell off.

Now I know why I don't dream, my dreams infuriate me with their retardedness. Seriously. If it was an actaul person that stood before me and told me all this, I would have a hell of a time trying not to scream at them to shut the fuck up and I would have an even harder time trying not to slap them, or punch them. Because it's seriously so infuriatingly retarded that I hate it. Augh.

Mixed Feelings

Have you ever felt that you were partially at fault for someone breaking up with their boyfriend/girlfriend?

This past weekend has left me with... mixed feelings. I mean, he always complained about her a little, and on Friday night hanging out with them (and a few others) was just fine. But Sunday... holy shit, on Sunday, shit hit the fan. They argued. They acted immature. They literally dragged each other around. They threatened to freeze themselves to death. They threatened to move out. They threatened to break up.

And for some reason... for some reason I feel partially at fault. I mean, I know she doesn't really like me, especially since I'm a good friend of her boyfriend and she's one of those clingy, paranoid girls. I know she doesn't like me. And the fact they had yet another fight because he wanted to hang out with me and she didn't want him to... it makes me feel bad D:

So part of me is upset. I hate to see them fighting. I hate the fact she doesn't really like me, even though I try my best to smile and be polite and nice to her (I like her, personally, but she scares me because I swear she's secretly plotting out ways to kill me). I don't like to see them fight - especially as badly as they did on Sunday, but according to him, they had had worse fights over the past few weeks. I don't want them to break up, especially on such terrible terms.

But part of me... part of me is relieved. I dunno. For some reason those two never really felt right; I mean, she was really good for him, and he did good things for her, but all in all... they really just seemed thrown together, like they were only dating because it was someone's bright idea to consider it, ask, and someone else's bright idea to say yes. :| that, and if they're fighting so badly, wouldn't they be better off not living together, and not constantly pissing each other off to borderline physical and emotional abuse?

I don't know. There's so many pros and cons to this and as badly as I want to shrug it off and not worry about it, I know I'm partially the reason. And that makes it very, very hard to let myself be guilt-free. Especially since if I did allow myself to just shrug it off, I'd feel like a selfish bitch who doesn't care what the hell is happening to my friends and their relationship.

I hate feeling so... pulled in many directions. Yeah.

And as April creeps up on me I find I miss someone more and more. These next few months aren't going to be easy. -sighs- Six years. It's hard to believe it. Six fucking years.

I tell you, it certainly doesn't get easier as it goes, but... it gets easier to pretend it's easier, I guess. Some days I've convinced myself it's easy and that I'll keep moving along just fine. Other days I lock myself up in my room all day and try to sleep because at least when I'm sleeping it doesn't hurt, and it feels like I haven't been moving along at all over the past six years.

I kinda feel partially to blame for that one, too. If I wasn't so selfish and stubborn, if I had just given in to such a simple request... things would be so much different. They'd be so much easier.

Mrs. Mueller always used to say that in life, when things happen, you can either become bitter or better. When I first heard that, it had hit me like a brick that I had become so, so bitter. So I started to allow myself to change, for the better. But looking back, it feels like I really haven't gone far. In fact, it just feels like I've picked up a whole new kind of bitter instead. No better. No better, not even a little. And that's a tiring thought. Ideally, I'd like to see myself as being better. Realistically, I know I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever be able to be, at least, not entirely, not even half. Maybe a little, eventually, but never completely.

But hey, at least I tried, right?

I mentioned to someone the other day that, if another one of me were to exist, I wouldn't be able to stand her. There is no possible way I wouldn't try to kill (or at least fight) my other-self in that situation. I would hate me. It's not that I hate myself; please don't misinterpret. I'm disappointed with who I've become, but that doesn't mean I hate myself. It's just, if i had to put up with someone that even has half the traits I do I wouldn't be able to stand them.

All this talk about how I've changed over the last six years reminds me of something my sister told me, just a few months ago, the night my Uncle Martin died. She told me I changed - she had told me this before, but this time there was a new twist on it. I had "completely" changed. I wasn't the same at all. Not even a little. I had become a completely different person. (all indirect quotes here.) And so, being instantly scared by her words, I asked her if it was a good change, or a bad change. I had to know. I wasn't just curious, I literally felt an ache - I was literally aching to know. I had to know. I had to. So I asked her; and you know what she said? She just shrugged, and said, "I don't know, you just changed."

And for some reason, that really, really hurt. Had I really changed so much that I wasn't even comparable by any means whatsoever to the person I had been six years ago? Not even close enough at all to judge whether the change was good or bad? Had I really changed so much? That thought scared me, it scared me more than ever. I wanted/still want to go back, and be the person I was before.

The problem is... I've lost her.

I know my memory is bad, but this, this is the worst thing I could've forgotten. I can't even remember his face, but I still hate myself more for forgetting who I was back then. I mean, at least, for his face, I've got pictures, and even videos (which also help with his voice). But for myself? I have nothing - no documentation of my former self. Not even a scrap of an inkling is left in my collective memory regarding the person that 13-year-old-Patricia was.

I didn't want to change, especially when it makes me so distant from my own sister... I want to be who I was, back then. But who was I? I can only recall a few things that I liked, and some I didn't like (one of them is the reason I feel so guilty over what happened), but I can't remember how I would act, what I would do, or even the kind of people I liked to associate myself with.

I have seriously forgotten who I was, and this scares me. Because I know she was better than the person I am now.

I mean, sure, since what happened all those years ago I've become a little more understand, and a little more helpful and wise for when people need someone to talk to, or even advice. But other than that... what am I? Who was I then? I want to know, so badly. I want to be that person I can't be any more, because I forgot her. I buried her in my own stupid problems and now I can't dig her out. It sucks.

I want to be who I used to be, especially if it means I'll close that huge rift... no, wound... that's been left between me and my sister. I'm tired of her acting like we're fine one minute, then screaming at me and genuinely hating me the next. It's like she's bandaging my wounds only to tear the tourniquet off and rub pig shit in 'em and then start all over again (seriously, pig shit burns when it gets into an open wound. I know from experience). And I hate that. I hate being the reason she's pushed away from me. I hate this gap that's formed between us, and this unreliable, shaky bridge that's there. I swear, that things only there at all because we're blood related.

But she said that I've changed, and she said it in a way that has led me to believe I'm not even anywhere near who I used to be.

I wonder if she can't compare if I'm worse or better now than then because maybe... maybe she's forgotten who I was, too? Could... that be possible? I don't feel it's probable; I just know it's possible. Maybe the old me is so far gone that even those who knew her best can't even remember her smile. That thought scares me, because I so desperately want her back. There's only one person I want back more than I want her back, but I know I can't have him back. I still feel at fault for why he left, so why the hell should I deserve to get him back? Why the hell should I even deserve to be the old me, then? Maybe this new, ugly me is the punishment for my selfishness that day. Perhaps I'm doomed to forever live with a me I can't stand because I fucked over the me I could.

But then is it really so fair that it doesn't matter if I torture my family or not?





You may think this is all weird and deep but seriously, I think about shit like this all the time :| Perhaps I'm trying too hard to both repair and move on with the damage I've done in my life. I can't do both, so I suppose the question is, which one should I do? Are either of them even worth doing? Perhaps I could just sit here and stare at this lovely mess I'm in. -sighs- So many options, so much effort that needs to be put into them.



Well, anyways, I'm tired (both physically, and tired of thinking) so I'm going to go to sleep and distract myself with thoughts of what I'm going to draw Aerron for his birthday (which I so lovingly missed/neglected.)

Night, all.

Rage?

Today was a good day... generally. But comparing a good day to a good novel, there's always that twist at the end you least expect. Now, let me tell you about my "good day".

First things first... breakfast was actually cooked today; the bacon was crispy and delicious. I wasn't late for class. I'm one of the few people that gets accounting (out of a class of a few hundred, that's not bad). I spent two hours talking to my room mate - good gods, we spoke to eachother! - and have deduced that just because she's a bit older than me and more serious about her schooling and doesn't ever ever ever watch movies, she's still actually pretty alright. I managed to keep my socks dry up until lunch (a new record for me). At lunch, one of Jenny's new friends drove us to Timmie's, where we sat and ate and talked about animals and books for well over an hour. Almost went to Chattam with them, too; but wanting time to sit still and do nothing for 3 hours before class I chose that instead. In that time I sat still and did nothing, I almost finished that layout I was working on for Kin's Bleach site. Class was entertaining; I think I'll like this teacher, and this class.

And then came the anger.

I literally don't know what spurred it on. As soon as I left class, and was on the way up the stairs to my room, I just felt so. unjustifiably. angry. At nothing! I just suddenly felt really pissed off, and I didn't know why. For some reason... it felt good, too. I dunno. Hard to explain. I'm still wondering why I was angry (and I still feel the effects a bit, still feeling a little ranty and PO'd), and I'm still wondering why it felt like a good anger. Like I needed it, or something. I dunno. I plan on sitting alone in my room tonight and dwelling on it for a while (I swear, if Solo pesters me to play nwn one more time, I'll actually have a reason to feel angry!)


But yeah. That was my day. Bahye guys.
AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRAVIS. :D

PS because my nifty floral design class my room smells like carnations :D

-sighs heavily-

Y'know... that feeling you get sometimes... where you just want to go home, curl up in your blankets, and sleep for a month or two?

...That's how I feel right now. I'm not just tired physically, I'm tired mentally, and probably emotionally as well (though I'm not sure, as my emotions are never very prominent and even when they are they're so incredibly lacking). I just want to go home and just not exist to the world for a while. It would be so, so nice...

i know I gotta study for plant ID tomorrow, but I just can't do so. I finally convinced myself to, and as I was flipping through the pictures and notes, and only really focusing on memorizing botanical names, I just... couldn't do it. It wasn't that I couldn't focus, it's just that it felt like a waste of time. My brain just didn't want to absorb anything.

So now I'm posting about my depression in my blog... dear gods I'm turning into quite the angsty little emo...

This exam, which everyone (even the teacher) had been saying was only worth 10%, well... tonight at supper I mentioned it and a girl at our table who was, apparently, a second year Horticulture student just looked at me as if I was the biggest idiot ever and said "No, the final exam is worth 20% or 25% or something." I asked her if she was sure, because even Lowen had told us that it was only ten percent. She just kept staring at me (Good grief, I wanted to punch her), and just nodded.

And now I'm so confused.

I can't find my class mark breakdown sheet thing we got on the first day ANYWHERE, so I'm pretty much well almost freaking out here. If it is worth 20-25%, and I've spent the past two weeks trying to keep myself BREATHING by reminding myself it's only 10%... well, let's just say if these palpitations get any worse my heart murmur is gonna cause some shit, and I'll be in the hospital. Which won't be so bad, because then I won't have to write this omgit'sgonnakillme exam.

So yeah. Trying to study, not working. I just wanna go home and sleep the rest of my life away (except maybe wake up for Christmas). Because seriously, this shit fucking sucks. I hate this program.

I tell my mom at least once a week that I'm unhappy here, that although the classes are educational and I don't mind them, I just hate the overall program. It's getting worse and worse as I go, too, and I often try to talk to my mother about how I don't like it here. Each time I try to talk to her all serious about this, she just laughs and goes "Yooouuu liike it theeereee. Besides, everyone else tells me they hear you like it there!"

"Yeah, mom, because I lie to them so they won't be all concerned and asking all these stupid questions and trying to comfort me. I'm not happy when I'm there."

And, of course, she keeps going on and laughing like I'm just joking or something. wtf. srsly, woman. Hear me out, even just once. Why do you think I like coming home on the weekends? Certainly not to see you. I come home because I prefer you and your cruel, upsetting disbelief of my words to Ridgetown. ...Yeah, it's that bad.

but anyways, I've ranted long enough. I'm going to go over my plant list again, get some sleep, and set my alarm for an hour earlier. Because fuck this, I'll get a good night's sleep and do my studing/cramming in the morning.

Night, all. -sighs heavily-

Wish me luck.

"So, to wrap this up, Kakuzu is a mother fuckin' badass with five fuckin' hearts..."

Blogging completely brings the worst out in me.

And I'm fucked for tomorrows test; I can barely remember who my favorite Naruto characters are, let alone remember thirty fucking different leaves, their common names, their botanical names, their growing conditions, their use in the landscape, AND how to spell their god damned botanical names. -cusses-

I have AT LEAST 7 memorized, so at least when I fail it won't be ENTIRELY epic. I'll get one nudge in on the beast, as opposed to literally slaying it or literally being slain. I hate this class for the workload. this test is worth 12% of my final mark. DX


But anyways.

To cheer myself up, I've taken to very temporarily fangirling Kakuzu. TEMPORARILY; very.

And this guy is f#@$ing awesome... except for the fact he can't pronounce "Ka-ku-zu" worth shit. (but, as he says, "I know I'm not pronouncing it right and I don't give a fuckin' shit")

This made me considerably happier. <3
It's a biiiig step down from Caramelldansen, content wise, but I don't care. I f##@% love it.

Oh, and there was no pub night tonight, for some reason.