no bacon u no bite ur nialz!!!!1

After showering and then sprucing p my blog a little (and putting on some clean socks, my feets are feeling happies), I feel a bit better. Not by much, but this feeling of angst is no longer so interollerable. I feel like "let's just get this over with" instead of "I wanna curl up to sleep and never wake up again (except for Christmas)".

But yeah, anyways, the point in this entry:

I'm trying to stop biting my nails. Again. Just like I did about two years ago around this time (remember when I was so proud that my nail could touch the table when I poked it with my finger? yeah, that didn't last long...)
And I have decided that, as extra motivation, I will count how many days I've been "bite free". So far it's three. If I can make it to 30, I'll do something rewarding. Like, maybe I'll put off getting that Star Wars game until I haven't made my fingers bleed for a month straight. Haha, yeah, there's motivation! (But... I dunno... if I could take having to wait for Kit Fisto... I mean... Star Wars that long). And then, if I can make it, say, another 20 or 30 days, I'll do something epic, like donate $100 bucks or something to like breast cancer research or something. And then, if I can go even longer, I'll do something OUTRAGEOUS and CRAZY! (say the last three words in Scat Cat's voice (yes, the jazz musician from the Aristocats) ...liiike... dye my hair green? X3 I dunno. Haven't thought it trough entirely yet, but these are ideas I'm playing with. i need motivation to not bite my nails, and I need motivation to STAY not biting them. Because seriously, it's getting. so. painful. DX

but yeah.

bed time, then up in the morning to study/cram for Plant ID before exam.


...

...

-inhales-
FUCK YOU MONITOR. WHY IS THE LEFT HALF (spec. bottom corner) GONE ALL DARK?! FUCK! WHY DO YU FLICKER AND SUCK SO MUCH?! o_o the rest of my lappytop is still like, perfectly. o_o why the most important paaaaart?


PS The lyrics that are now at the top/bottom/title of my blog are from the song "Promise Broken" by Deric Ruttan. Such a pretty song <3

-sighs heavily-

Y'know... that feeling you get sometimes... where you just want to go home, curl up in your blankets, and sleep for a month or two?

...That's how I feel right now. I'm not just tired physically, I'm tired mentally, and probably emotionally as well (though I'm not sure, as my emotions are never very prominent and even when they are they're so incredibly lacking). I just want to go home and just not exist to the world for a while. It would be so, so nice...

i know I gotta study for plant ID tomorrow, but I just can't do so. I finally convinced myself to, and as I was flipping through the pictures and notes, and only really focusing on memorizing botanical names, I just... couldn't do it. It wasn't that I couldn't focus, it's just that it felt like a waste of time. My brain just didn't want to absorb anything.

So now I'm posting about my depression in my blog... dear gods I'm turning into quite the angsty little emo...

This exam, which everyone (even the teacher) had been saying was only worth 10%, well... tonight at supper I mentioned it and a girl at our table who was, apparently, a second year Horticulture student just looked at me as if I was the biggest idiot ever and said "No, the final exam is worth 20% or 25% or something." I asked her if she was sure, because even Lowen had told us that it was only ten percent. She just kept staring at me (Good grief, I wanted to punch her), and just nodded.

And now I'm so confused.

I can't find my class mark breakdown sheet thing we got on the first day ANYWHERE, so I'm pretty much well almost freaking out here. If it is worth 20-25%, and I've spent the past two weeks trying to keep myself BREATHING by reminding myself it's only 10%... well, let's just say if these palpitations get any worse my heart murmur is gonna cause some shit, and I'll be in the hospital. Which won't be so bad, because then I won't have to write this omgit'sgonnakillme exam.

So yeah. Trying to study, not working. I just wanna go home and sleep the rest of my life away (except maybe wake up for Christmas). Because seriously, this shit fucking sucks. I hate this program.

I tell my mom at least once a week that I'm unhappy here, that although the classes are educational and I don't mind them, I just hate the overall program. It's getting worse and worse as I go, too, and I often try to talk to my mother about how I don't like it here. Each time I try to talk to her all serious about this, she just laughs and goes "Yooouuu liike it theeereee. Besides, everyone else tells me they hear you like it there!"

"Yeah, mom, because I lie to them so they won't be all concerned and asking all these stupid questions and trying to comfort me. I'm not happy when I'm there."

And, of course, she keeps going on and laughing like I'm just joking or something. wtf. srsly, woman. Hear me out, even just once. Why do you think I like coming home on the weekends? Certainly not to see you. I come home because I prefer you and your cruel, upsetting disbelief of my words to Ridgetown. ...Yeah, it's that bad.

but anyways, I've ranted long enough. I'm going to go over my plant list again, get some sleep, and set my alarm for an hour earlier. Because fuck this, I'll get a good night's sleep and do my studing/cramming in the morning.

Night, all. -sighs heavily-

Wish me luck.