"This news shocked me too when my brain first reported it."
- Myself

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Manga un-reccomendation / KisaTen... TenKisa? Tentenkisame? Kisakisatenten? UWAAH.


Now that that's cleared up, moving along.

Never ever ever ever ever read Fire Candy.
It's so disgustingly beautifully gory even I found MYSELF flinching. I mean, it had it's charming parts, like when Haru (the quarter-lynx feminine-looking divorcee/father and prostitute) messed up that one guy's eyeball and then ate it right out of his skull, because he thought it was funny. And when Leo tore that one guy's nails/toe nails out, broke his wrists/ankles, and much more ghastly things I can't even remember from the overload of gore...

But yeah. I think the plot was something to do with half-animal (but human-looking, no anthros) drug-addicted teens that got mad because the prices were jacked up. Or something. I don't remember. I was too distraced with my... utterly disgusted reactions. And it wasn't just for gore. There were other parts I skipped. ...Yeah. That kind of stuff. -ahem- but regardless... even though I feel a little faint after reading it, I'm kinda pissed at the author for not finishing it (and it won't be finished ever. Ah well. at least it didn't leave off in teh middle of plot).

But yeah.

Leo is teh secks. Easily my favourite character. i dunno why. He just looks cool and he kicks ass. And stuff. Yeah. And he puked and it was all over his face and it made me lawl XD XD XD lol yeah I dunno. But he's gonna spontaneously combust some day and die so that kinda sucks. Oooooh weeelllll~ moving oooon~

Monday, March 30, 2009

Exams... -sigh-

I have an exam in ten minutes, for accounting. I'm just going to rush through it. I pretty much aced the final project, but I know I'm going to do bad on the exam - I don't get it at all. I'm just going to get it done and over with. -sigh-

On an even more depressing note, I bit one of my nails yesterday. DX So I have 2 that broke off and one I bit back; looking at my hands, it's actually pretty funny. But I'm still upset with myself, even if Sundays aren't actually counted as days of lent (lent is actually 46 days long, only 40 of those days are actually lent. Every Sunday is not marked as lent). I was doing so good, too...

Jenny finished last week so she's not around, so I might get a bit lonely over the next two weeks. But I don't mind - one week left of school, then a week of exams. I'm one of the few lucky jerks who doesn't have an exam on Easter Monday. w00t w00t. I've said it a thousand times this semester but this time I really mean it; I am SO glad I dropped Landscape Construction (that's the exam on Easter Monday).

Anywho, I'm off, and hopefully I will not die. I mean fail. Yeah. Fail.

PS On the 18th Wellington is playing in Sarnia, and I want to go. But alas, the Road Hammers are playing the night before - on the 17th - also in Sarnia - and I know I want to go to both, but probably will not be allowed. ;_; Which to chooose, which to choooose?

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Watch video below.

Oh interwebs, how I missed thee....

Good news

Should be getting my laptop plug today yaaaay! Just in time to quickly look shit up so I'll be able to buy flowers fo my ikebana arrangement for Floral Design's field trip this afternoon. =3 Hooraaaay.

I'm excited <3<3<3

Until then I'm back to using Facebook to procrastinate (that WWII game thing is really addictive. I should invite you all to join my squad so I get awesome health bonuses and training time reductions (you get them too!) ...yeah. I'm going to go do that.

Though I really should be doing my work for Computer's class right now... eh....

Monday, March 23, 2009

z'omg yey X3

Off for a week - technical issues

Okay, so the cord that charges my laptop went kaput this morning. Last night it had been acting up, but this morning it just all together died on me. It's the wiring in it, I know that much.

Anyways, I gave mom my laptop's make a model, and she went down to Future Shop and got me a new charging cord. Now It's just a matter of waiting boredly for me to get it, on thursday afternoon. DX Won't be much good that late in the week, but oh well. Better than waiting for the weekend.

Right now I'm in the computer lab at school, I just finished my business project. Which was a lot easier than I expected. w00t?

But anyways, just thought I'd let you guys know what was up and why I'm not on msn and what not.

Looks like I won't be doing any writing, oekaki/dolls, drawings, reading, game-playing, music listening... GAH! I'm going to die. ;_; I'd rather be as sick as I was last week and have my compy than I would be healthy as I am now and be without. ;_;

At least I remembered to bring my book up this week.

Oooh, Richard A. Knaak, in times of dire peril, you never fail to pull through for me. You're so dedicated that I almost love you more than my laptop~ (my laptop, no, it's charging cord, fuck yes.)

Anyways, so I'm off to have an affair with a book while my laptop lies dead/dormant on my desk, being none the wiser to the fanciful thoguhts that shall fill my head. Ohoho, Bacon, you're a sly one.

Ahem. Anyways. Cough. Ta!'

PS Still haven't bit my nails! Lost two's lenghtiness to breaking even! Yaaay they're getting long!

Friday, March 20, 2009


I was going to post something of significance here but I can't remember what. Uhhh...

Oh yeah! When I went back to school yesterday I had 2 or 3 people tell me that on Tuesday night - the night I left - my room mate got extremely drunk and puked in our neighbor's closet. I guess she doesn't even remember drinking. As well, according to Sarah, when she walked in our room Wednesday morning, she noticed there was no air mattress on the floor and my bed was not messy. So she asked my room mate, Annemarie, where Jason slept. Aparently, he slept in her bed. ...And so did she. Whuuuuut? (but nothing happened out side of actual sleep, I guess)

She's the one who always babysits all the other drunks. Had I not gone home, something tells I would have been the one babysitting. Harrharr.

Anyways, so yeah, it's Spring Expo weekend and everyone's staying at Ridgetown, except for myself, who went home promptly after class last night.

Since it's Spring Expo weekend, in Floral Design we were supposed to make corsages but since I wasn't going I got to make whatever the hell I wanted. I made a pretty pretty flower crown~ You can see it on my dA, here. Yeah. Took me three hours. It was sweet.

I finsihed up my flower crown, the girl in our class who is a photographer took pretty pictures of it for me/it on me, and we had fun.

Then I went home and got food. And played Rock Band. Then I slept.

I was so happy because last night Zetsu slept on my bed, which he hasn't done in weeks. It made me happy inside. Then I realized that my cousin Steve was sleeping on my couch, therefore my dog could not, so that's probably the only reason he slept on my bed. ;_; I feel so much less important now.

I hate not being home most of the time. Zetsu hardly spends time with me, aside from when he wants to play. He doens't even come when I call him any more. ;_;

In equally sad news, Travis' latest post made me feel really, REALLY bad about my art, I mean, because if his is considered crappy than what about mine? I'm so much worse off than he is. ;_; I suddenly feel so self concious about my drawings. ;_;


I had a dream.

I actually fucking dreamt.

I never dream!

and in my dream... now this is weird shit... Jimmie - you all know Jimmie, right? My steampunk character with the pretty long brown hair? Yeah? Good. - was a pirate.

That's right, good, respectable, kind-hearted, steam engine mechanic Jeremiah was a pirate. Whuuuut?

Anyways. For some reason he was like, a dog, and whenever Mareka (my blonde steampunk character) cried he'd turn back into people-Jimmie, but only until sunrise. Well, since she never cries, he was stuck as a dog for years and years, and for some reason I guess he was supposed to be dead? But anyways. So she's like, mid-20s by now and for some reason I don't even think existed she cried. And he turned into people. And for some reason he was on a pirate ship (that kept switching, inbetween "scenes" of my dream, from being traditional pirate-ship to steampunk pirate-ship, as did everyone's attire). And when he was a people he was like "holy shit I'm like, not a teenager any more D:". yeah. And then for some reason, Mareka, who was like, crying at home in the last scene, was now a prisioner on this ship, along with the rest of my good-guys main cast. Except for some reason Aerron and Angelina were still younger, and their kid Blake wasn't there, but their youngest child, still unnamed (because I haven't finished making them/naming them/haven't used them yet (it was one of the twins)) was also there.

And every day, the pirate crew would throw one of my charaters over board. And for some reason Jimmie was stuck human, and nobody recognized him? ...Well, when he did turn people, he grew a beard so they wouldn't. aparently bearded!Jeremiah =/= Jeremiah. Anyways. So Jeremiah/Jimmie was like "oh noes, I need to save them, but how?" so he noticed a nearby small tropical island thing. And he figured, "Okay, all my friends that are getting chuked over board are swimming there." And I guess he figured this because Mareka got thrown over board first, a few days prior to this discovery of his, and she wasn't dead yet. He somehow knew she wasn't dead, but I don't know how. Anyways.

So the pirate crew sends a small load of people to the island every day to gather food/supplies and stuff. And Jimmie realizes "Okay, they're not actually here to kill off my peeps, but they're gathering supplies. Making these guys walk the plank is just a bonus, for entertainment value." or something. I dunno. Anyways, all of my characters that were captives make it to the island, even the two year old kid of Aerron and Angelina's. wtf. Anyways. So all along Jimmie has been blending in as a pirate and getting buddy-buddy with the captain.

Eventually, in order to save his friends, he comes up with a cool idea. He goes to the captain and tells him something like "There's people on board who are planning a mutiny," because there were, but he never talks to them so how he knew I have no idea, and for some reason he said it in pirate-speak and how Jimmie would be able to talk like a convincing pirate I know not, and the captain was all like "orly?" and Jimmie was all "yarly" (I'm making this shit up). And it winds up the captain is all like, "omg this kid is awesome. I totally trust/like him. He's a great, loyal pirate." (oxymoron lol).

So the captain agrees to Jimmie's plan.

Here's Jimmie's plan: he convinced the captain to let him grab a few loyal crew members and all of the key members of the mutiny, go to the island for the last supply run - which was schedueled before the last person got thrown overboard (which was Aerron, I think, but it kept switching between being him and his wifey Angelina. In the end it was Aerron, anyways.) - but he got the captain to change it so they BROUGHT the last person to the island to be killed on this supply run. So anyways, Jimmie sneaks out early morning and takes one little boat that's towing another little boat all the way to the island. The captian watches him, amused, for no particular reason. He goes back with just one boat. Time rolls around for the last trip out, and for some reason the last person to be thrown over board actually isn't Aerron, but his and Angelina's yuongest children (now they're both there, and neither of them are overboard wtf), the twins.

So the twins are loaded in the boat along with the most loyal and most disloyal crew members, and off to shore they row~!

As soon as they get there Jimmie's like "btw I'm not here to kill the chrildens" and he pulls out his sword (which is actually canon! he does have one in the novel! But why it shows up now and not earlier... oh, PS, for some reason his beard is gone now) and just kills all the pirates! yaaay! And for some reason all the other MCs are there now. And then I realized he brought the other boat over earlier for a chance of escape, once they kill the pirates they can just row back to... er, wow, Jimmie, good plan, where the fuck are you going to go in that tiny boat. But anyways, good thing he brought it, because for some reason even though he killed all the pirates he brought with him the boat they came in is gone. So they're going to take the other boat away! But then out of nowhere it was just Jimmie and Mareka and it was night (even though five seconds earlier it was day) and he was like "btw when the sun rises I'll be a dog again" and she was like "oh, that sucks. That's okay you're just a ghost anyways." because aparently, she still thinks he's dead. And then depressed!Jimmie is all like "yeah I'm just a ghost" and then somewhere around there I woke up and was like

WTF! That wasn't even cool. What a retarded dream.

So I'm going over it in my head and trying to make the plot logical, or at least more smooth. and that damnned ship needs to stay steampunk. But anyways. I don't like dog!Jimmie and I don't like bearded!Jimmie and I don't like depressed!Jimmie and I don't like pirate!Jimmie. And I don't like crying!Mareka. And I don't like my dream's inability to make up it's mind. KEEP THE SHIP THE SAME. STOP SWITCHING AROUND WHO'S THERE AND WHO ISN'T. STOP MAKING THE CHARACTERS SWITCH SPOTS. STOP MAKING THINGS DISAPPEAR.

Omg. Seriously. It felt like drunken brainstorming for some hideous PotC/my novel crossover crack-fic that was planned within a whole two seconds and written without making a solid plot or working out the details. It wasn't even entertaining. It pissed me right the hell off.

Now I know why I don't dream, my dreams infuriate me with their retardedness. Seriously. If it was an actaul person that stood before me and told me all this, I would have a hell of a time trying not to scream at them to shut the fuck up and I would have an even harder time trying not to slap them, or punch them. Because it's seriously so infuriatingly retarded that I hate it. Augh.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I'm all Better.

I'm all better, but Peter and Jessie are still sick DX I'm worried for my brother and his wifey. ;_; They've been sick since the weekend.

But anyways. A while ago Kelly drew the most amazing picture for me. It's amazing because it involves two things;

My favourite pick up line and my favourite pairing.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

More sick than before. ;_;

So as the day has progressed I've only gotten worse. I've puked 4 times so far.
I called my mommy and told her. I guess what I have is going around; my brother has already had it for a few days DX

I told mommy I want to go home. She's gonna talk to dad and see what she can do.

All I'll be missing is plant prop and floral design on thurs. I have no classes tomorrow or friday and account has been cancelled on thursday.

I want to go hooome. I don't want to miss floral design, but I really don't wanna puke my guts out at Ridgetown. I wanna go hoooome. To be with my puppy and my mommy and Ralph and my bed. ;_;

EDIT: Okay my mom is coming to pick me up and then I'm going home. ;_;

Warm weather; is not so great, aktually...

Okay, yes, I know, "woo it's spring it's warm there's birds yeaaaaah"

But I feel like shit. I seriously feel like I'm dying. I managed to drag my sorry ass out of bed and nab some breakfast, and I somehow survived class, and I cam back for a nap. the nap went well; i felt loads better. For about an hour.

And now I'm feeling even worse than I did before the nap. I blame the weather. It's not cool enough for me to get that nice breath of fresh air I so desire; the breath of air that's about the only thing stopping me from hurling. I'm somehow managing to fight that off on my own... but... it sucks... waaaah... and I couldn't sleep last night either because it was too fucking hot in this room. We had the window wide open and everything. Maybe that's why I'm sick.

I just want today to eeeend. I couldn't even eat lunch, so now I'm hungry, which doesn't help my case at all DX

And after my nap I was even gonna write for a while, because I felt so good, but now I don't feel like plotting/writting because I feel like spewing.DX I think my headache is coming back, too.

Monday, March 16, 2009


Just thought I'd throw that out there. Watch and enjoy.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Plans for the weekend

Driving myself home today, and I'm taking Jenny with me. Huttah!
.hack//sign isn't done downloading, but that's okay, I'll forgive it's slowness. It's worth the wait (it's going faster than Special A did, that's for sure).

When I get home we're probably going off to go hang out with Rosstopher, to watch movies :D I told him he could meet Jenny and he thought that was cool. I think they might get along awright. =3 I'll have to report on Monday whether they do or don't, lol.

Drew a few more things last night, to help myself catch up on the whole drawing-a-day resolution that I made (an by made I mean regret). As of this morning I am four days behind. (Last night I was three... stupid date-changing... bah...)

If I can have those four drawings plus four more to cover the next four days, the next sketch dump I'll do - at the midpoint of lent - will be, in my mind, a huge success. I'll track down everything I drew and post it all in one entry, even if it's already been up in my blog before. I'm actually kind of excited. I might actually mosh them all together and post 'em as a sketch dump on dA.

Oooh well. I'm off to go get brekkers then to class! ta!

PS Haven't bitten nails in 16 days. Booyah!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

100th post! Yaaay lent! Sketch Dump!

This is my 100th blog entry! Yaaay!

To celebrate such a momentus occasion, before I go off and get myself slaughtered as I present my final speech for Communications class, and before I get picked up by my parents to go to the farm show, I decided to do a SKETCH DUMP :D

Advert not thine eyes, for I wish to make them bleed. BWAHAHAHA.

As a side note, for lent, I had two resolutions; draw at least one picture a day, and don't bite my nails.
Today marks the two-week mark for not biting my nails. =3 VICTOLY!
But as for drawings, I've only done nine, and I should have fourteen D:

Anywho, below you'll find a dump of some things I drew for lent, some old sketches, some works in progress... most of which didn't make it onto my DeviantART, so enjoy knowing this is the only place (with the exception of Akaari's picture, he didn't make dA but he did make HRNR) that you get to see these =3

Hanmou and Ginmaru <3 <3 Old WIP that I need to finish DX

DIN! :D Yaaay Nautolans! DRAWN FOR LENT

Mushi-mushi's concept drawing. I need to do a real drawing of him sometime, but for now, he's just my Aburame OC. Yay Mushi <3

Akaari-san! My Bleach OC!

Becky's Character-in-the-making (has been for months), Jakaya-sama! Doin' the CARAMELLDANSEN! ;D

I miss this OC. This is the back of Haramoto Kagerou's head. I just thought she had pretty hair <3<3 DRAWN FOR LENT

Takemoto Utakiiro! She's my other Bleach OC, and she's a looney. This is how she dresses in public - yellow sundresses over violet sweater/T-shirts, with rainbow toe socks and sandals, and ripped/paint-stained jeans and wicked awesome 70s headbands ;D

A COMIC I DID OF LYON :D You guys know David S. (Kelly's little brother) riiiight, riiiight? well he's working on the most awesome original Star Wars comic I've read (seriously, it's actually a really good read), and I've caught myself fangirling over Lyon Wenham. After much promisings of fanarts and one really late/earlymorning night, My crazed mind drew this :D PRETTY SHOUJO LYON. ...And Din. BUT LYOOON.

Avie art for a persons on Gaia ;D They coloured it. But I don't have the coloured version.

NEKONEKO-CHAN! Done for lent!

There now you don't get any more drawings until lent is half-done, then I'll probably do another sketch dump.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I have...

...nothing to report.

Except for one thing.

I've found a manga I'm so utterly and completely in love with that I sat in tihs very same spot from about 11 - 5 just reading it. I read all MangaFox had up; and I want mooooaaar! I'm so totally in love with the characters - all of them! - the development isn't slow, or annoying elusive, it's got a perfect pace to match the characters and the story. And oh, Gods, the art work is astounding! I love it!

So guys! Go to MangaFox (what a fantastic site~) and look up "Otomen". It's amazing. Seriously.

And for a shoujo, it's so unique, without being over the top. It's fantastic.

And like I said, I love all the characters. My favourite changes every two minutes. XD When I started writing this Asuka was my favorite, but right now Otomen's flavour, to me, is Tachibana. Haha, by the time I post it I'll probably be like "Noo! Waiiit! I like Ryou!" because I do love them all so much. ;_; And they all have their own little plots that keep me so amused~

Readreadread! I actually like this more than Witch Hunter Robin...! Gah!

Monday, March 9, 2009



hay guise, eye hart two colurr!

So I was bored on Sunday and attempting to stick to my lenten resolution of finishing at least one artwork a day (which I'm so far behind on), I coloured that linearts I posted months ago ;D It's not done yet. (I decided to try to get my other lent thing back on track since the no-nail biting is going so damn well it's boring me to death.)

I've got a few things left to colour.
a) Jimmie's goggles
b) Background
c) Jimmie's hair tie... thing. Don't know which colour D: any suggestions?

Here she be so far.

While I'm at posting a picture of Mareka, I just remembered I finished a doll of her that some person on dA (base by Lunar-Hibiki, much props to them) had an awesome base for. PS She's modern in this one, not Steampunk.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


omgomgomg. -fangirl wriggles and squeaks-

WATCH THIS. -wriggle-

omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg... ooommmmggggggg.
-fangirl squeals- -wriggles- X3 X3 X3 -squeal- oommmmggggg. omgomgomg. -squeal-

Times all of those by about 500 ...and thus was the extent of my reactions to Clone Wars episode ten. -wriggles a little more- I still can't get over it. X3

Monday, March 2, 2009

Mixed Feelings

Have you ever felt that you were partially at fault for someone breaking up with their boyfriend/girlfriend?

This past weekend has left me with... mixed feelings. I mean, he always complained about her a little, and on Friday night hanging out with them (and a few others) was just fine. But Sunday... holy shit, on Sunday, shit hit the fan. They argued. They acted immature. They literally dragged each other around. They threatened to freeze themselves to death. They threatened to move out. They threatened to break up.

And for some reason... for some reason I feel partially at fault. I mean, I know she doesn't really like me, especially since I'm a good friend of her boyfriend and she's one of those clingy, paranoid girls. I know she doesn't like me. And the fact they had yet another fight because he wanted to hang out with me and she didn't want him to... it makes me feel bad D:

So part of me is upset. I hate to see them fighting. I hate the fact she doesn't really like me, even though I try my best to smile and be polite and nice to her (I like her, personally, but she scares me because I swear she's secretly plotting out ways to kill me). I don't like to see them fight - especially as badly as they did on Sunday, but according to him, they had had worse fights over the past few weeks. I don't want them to break up, especially on such terrible terms.

But part of me... part of me is relieved. I dunno. For some reason those two never really felt right; I mean, she was really good for him, and he did good things for her, but all in all... they really just seemed thrown together, like they were only dating because it was someone's bright idea to consider it, ask, and someone else's bright idea to say yes. :| that, and if they're fighting so badly, wouldn't they be better off not living together, and not constantly pissing each other off to borderline physical and emotional abuse?

I don't know. There's so many pros and cons to this and as badly as I want to shrug it off and not worry about it, I know I'm partially the reason. And that makes it very, very hard to let myself be guilt-free. Especially since if I did allow myself to just shrug it off, I'd feel like a selfish bitch who doesn't care what the hell is happening to my friends and their relationship.

I hate feeling so... pulled in many directions. Yeah.

And as April creeps up on me I find I miss someone more and more. These next few months aren't going to be easy. -sighs- Six years. It's hard to believe it. Six fucking years.

I tell you, it certainly doesn't get easier as it goes, but... it gets easier to pretend it's easier, I guess. Some days I've convinced myself it's easy and that I'll keep moving along just fine. Other days I lock myself up in my room all day and try to sleep because at least when I'm sleeping it doesn't hurt, and it feels like I haven't been moving along at all over the past six years.

I kinda feel partially to blame for that one, too. If I wasn't so selfish and stubborn, if I had just given in to such a simple request... things would be so much different. They'd be so much easier.

Mrs. Mueller always used to say that in life, when things happen, you can either become bitter or better. When I first heard that, it had hit me like a brick that I had become so, so bitter. So I started to allow myself to change, for the better. But looking back, it feels like I really haven't gone far. In fact, it just feels like I've picked up a whole new kind of bitter instead. No better. No better, not even a little. And that's a tiring thought. Ideally, I'd like to see myself as being better. Realistically, I know I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever be able to be, at least, not entirely, not even half. Maybe a little, eventually, but never completely.

But hey, at least I tried, right?

I mentioned to someone the other day that, if another one of me were to exist, I wouldn't be able to stand her. There is no possible way I wouldn't try to kill (or at least fight) my other-self in that situation. I would hate me. It's not that I hate myself; please don't misinterpret. I'm disappointed with who I've become, but that doesn't mean I hate myself. It's just, if i had to put up with someone that even has half the traits I do I wouldn't be able to stand them.

All this talk about how I've changed over the last six years reminds me of something my sister told me, just a few months ago, the night my Uncle Martin died. She told me I changed - she had told me this before, but this time there was a new twist on it. I had "completely" changed. I wasn't the same at all. Not even a little. I had become a completely different person. (all indirect quotes here.) And so, being instantly scared by her words, I asked her if it was a good change, or a bad change. I had to know. I wasn't just curious, I literally felt an ache - I was literally aching to know. I had to know. I had to. So I asked her; and you know what she said? She just shrugged, and said, "I don't know, you just changed."

And for some reason, that really, really hurt. Had I really changed so much that I wasn't even comparable by any means whatsoever to the person I had been six years ago? Not even close enough at all to judge whether the change was good or bad? Had I really changed so much? That thought scared me, it scared me more than ever. I wanted/still want to go back, and be the person I was before.

The problem is... I've lost her.

I know my memory is bad, but this, this is the worst thing I could've forgotten. I can't even remember his face, but I still hate myself more for forgetting who I was back then. I mean, at least, for his face, I've got pictures, and even videos (which also help with his voice). But for myself? I have nothing - no documentation of my former self. Not even a scrap of an inkling is left in my collective memory regarding the person that 13-year-old-Patricia was.

I didn't want to change, especially when it makes me so distant from my own sister... I want to be who I was, back then. But who was I? I can only recall a few things that I liked, and some I didn't like (one of them is the reason I feel so guilty over what happened), but I can't remember how I would act, what I would do, or even the kind of people I liked to associate myself with.

I have seriously forgotten who I was, and this scares me. Because I know she was better than the person I am now.

I mean, sure, since what happened all those years ago I've become a little more understand, and a little more helpful and wise for when people need someone to talk to, or even advice. But other than that... what am I? Who was I then? I want to know, so badly. I want to be that person I can't be any more, because I forgot her. I buried her in my own stupid problems and now I can't dig her out. It sucks.

I want to be who I used to be, especially if it means I'll close that huge rift... no, wound... that's been left between me and my sister. I'm tired of her acting like we're fine one minute, then screaming at me and genuinely hating me the next. It's like she's bandaging my wounds only to tear the tourniquet off and rub pig shit in 'em and then start all over again (seriously, pig shit burns when it gets into an open wound. I know from experience). And I hate that. I hate being the reason she's pushed away from me. I hate this gap that's formed between us, and this unreliable, shaky bridge that's there. I swear, that things only there at all because we're blood related.

But she said that I've changed, and she said it in a way that has led me to believe I'm not even anywhere near who I used to be.

I wonder if she can't compare if I'm worse or better now than then because maybe... maybe she's forgotten who I was, too? Could... that be possible? I don't feel it's probable; I just know it's possible. Maybe the old me is so far gone that even those who knew her best can't even remember her smile. That thought scares me, because I so desperately want her back. There's only one person I want back more than I want her back, but I know I can't have him back. I still feel at fault for why he left, so why the hell should I deserve to get him back? Why the hell should I even deserve to be the old me, then? Maybe this new, ugly me is the punishment for my selfishness that day. Perhaps I'm doomed to forever live with a me I can't stand because I fucked over the me I could.

But then is it really so fair that it doesn't matter if I torture my family or not?

You may think this is all weird and deep but seriously, I think about shit like this all the time :| Perhaps I'm trying too hard to both repair and move on with the damage I've done in my life. I can't do both, so I suppose the question is, which one should I do? Are either of them even worth doing? Perhaps I could just sit here and stare at this lovely mess I'm in. -sighs- So many options, so much effort that needs to be put into them.

Well, anyways, I'm tired (both physically, and tired of thinking) so I'm going to go to sleep and distract myself with thoughts of what I'm going to draw Aerron for his birthday (which I so lovingly missed/neglected.)

Night, all.