Mixed Feelings

Have you ever felt that you were partially at fault for someone breaking up with their boyfriend/girlfriend?

This past weekend has left me with... mixed feelings. I mean, he always complained about her a little, and on Friday night hanging out with them (and a few others) was just fine. But Sunday... holy shit, on Sunday, shit hit the fan. They argued. They acted immature. They literally dragged each other around. They threatened to freeze themselves to death. They threatened to move out. They threatened to break up.

And for some reason... for some reason I feel partially at fault. I mean, I know she doesn't really like me, especially since I'm a good friend of her boyfriend and she's one of those clingy, paranoid girls. I know she doesn't like me. And the fact they had yet another fight because he wanted to hang out with me and she didn't want him to... it makes me feel bad D:

So part of me is upset. I hate to see them fighting. I hate the fact she doesn't really like me, even though I try my best to smile and be polite and nice to her (I like her, personally, but she scares me because I swear she's secretly plotting out ways to kill me). I don't like to see them fight - especially as badly as they did on Sunday, but according to him, they had had worse fights over the past few weeks. I don't want them to break up, especially on such terrible terms.

But part of me... part of me is relieved. I dunno. For some reason those two never really felt right; I mean, she was really good for him, and he did good things for her, but all in all... they really just seemed thrown together, like they were only dating because it was someone's bright idea to consider it, ask, and someone else's bright idea to say yes. :| that, and if they're fighting so badly, wouldn't they be better off not living together, and not constantly pissing each other off to borderline physical and emotional abuse?

I don't know. There's so many pros and cons to this and as badly as I want to shrug it off and not worry about it, I know I'm partially the reason. And that makes it very, very hard to let myself be guilt-free. Especially since if I did allow myself to just shrug it off, I'd feel like a selfish bitch who doesn't care what the hell is happening to my friends and their relationship.

I hate feeling so... pulled in many directions. Yeah.

And as April creeps up on me I find I miss someone more and more. These next few months aren't going to be easy. -sighs- Six years. It's hard to believe it. Six fucking years.

I tell you, it certainly doesn't get easier as it goes, but... it gets easier to pretend it's easier, I guess. Some days I've convinced myself it's easy and that I'll keep moving along just fine. Other days I lock myself up in my room all day and try to sleep because at least when I'm sleeping it doesn't hurt, and it feels like I haven't been moving along at all over the past six years.

I kinda feel partially to blame for that one, too. If I wasn't so selfish and stubborn, if I had just given in to such a simple request... things would be so much different. They'd be so much easier.

Mrs. Mueller always used to say that in life, when things happen, you can either become bitter or better. When I first heard that, it had hit me like a brick that I had become so, so bitter. So I started to allow myself to change, for the better. But looking back, it feels like I really haven't gone far. In fact, it just feels like I've picked up a whole new kind of bitter instead. No better. No better, not even a little. And that's a tiring thought. Ideally, I'd like to see myself as being better. Realistically, I know I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever be able to be, at least, not entirely, not even half. Maybe a little, eventually, but never completely.

But hey, at least I tried, right?

I mentioned to someone the other day that, if another one of me were to exist, I wouldn't be able to stand her. There is no possible way I wouldn't try to kill (or at least fight) my other-self in that situation. I would hate me. It's not that I hate myself; please don't misinterpret. I'm disappointed with who I've become, but that doesn't mean I hate myself. It's just, if i had to put up with someone that even has half the traits I do I wouldn't be able to stand them.

All this talk about how I've changed over the last six years reminds me of something my sister told me, just a few months ago, the night my Uncle Martin died. She told me I changed - she had told me this before, but this time there was a new twist on it. I had "completely" changed. I wasn't the same at all. Not even a little. I had become a completely different person. (all indirect quotes here.) And so, being instantly scared by her words, I asked her if it was a good change, or a bad change. I had to know. I wasn't just curious, I literally felt an ache - I was literally aching to know. I had to know. I had to. So I asked her; and you know what she said? She just shrugged, and said, "I don't know, you just changed."

And for some reason, that really, really hurt. Had I really changed so much that I wasn't even comparable by any means whatsoever to the person I had been six years ago? Not even close enough at all to judge whether the change was good or bad? Had I really changed so much? That thought scared me, it scared me more than ever. I wanted/still want to go back, and be the person I was before.

The problem is... I've lost her.

I know my memory is bad, but this, this is the worst thing I could've forgotten. I can't even remember his face, but I still hate myself more for forgetting who I was back then. I mean, at least, for his face, I've got pictures, and even videos (which also help with his voice). But for myself? I have nothing - no documentation of my former self. Not even a scrap of an inkling is left in my collective memory regarding the person that 13-year-old-Patricia was.

I didn't want to change, especially when it makes me so distant from my own sister... I want to be who I was, back then. But who was I? I can only recall a few things that I liked, and some I didn't like (one of them is the reason I feel so guilty over what happened), but I can't remember how I would act, what I would do, or even the kind of people I liked to associate myself with.

I have seriously forgotten who I was, and this scares me. Because I know she was better than the person I am now.

I mean, sure, since what happened all those years ago I've become a little more understand, and a little more helpful and wise for when people need someone to talk to, or even advice. But other than that... what am I? Who was I then? I want to know, so badly. I want to be that person I can't be any more, because I forgot her. I buried her in my own stupid problems and now I can't dig her out. It sucks.

I want to be who I used to be, especially if it means I'll close that huge rift... no, wound... that's been left between me and my sister. I'm tired of her acting like we're fine one minute, then screaming at me and genuinely hating me the next. It's like she's bandaging my wounds only to tear the tourniquet off and rub pig shit in 'em and then start all over again (seriously, pig shit burns when it gets into an open wound. I know from experience). And I hate that. I hate being the reason she's pushed away from me. I hate this gap that's formed between us, and this unreliable, shaky bridge that's there. I swear, that things only there at all because we're blood related.

But she said that I've changed, and she said it in a way that has led me to believe I'm not even anywhere near who I used to be.

I wonder if she can't compare if I'm worse or better now than then because maybe... maybe she's forgotten who I was, too? Could... that be possible? I don't feel it's probable; I just know it's possible. Maybe the old me is so far gone that even those who knew her best can't even remember her smile. That thought scares me, because I so desperately want her back. There's only one person I want back more than I want her back, but I know I can't have him back. I still feel at fault for why he left, so why the hell should I deserve to get him back? Why the hell should I even deserve to be the old me, then? Maybe this new, ugly me is the punishment for my selfishness that day. Perhaps I'm doomed to forever live with a me I can't stand because I fucked over the me I could.

But then is it really so fair that it doesn't matter if I torture my family or not?





You may think this is all weird and deep but seriously, I think about shit like this all the time :| Perhaps I'm trying too hard to both repair and move on with the damage I've done in my life. I can't do both, so I suppose the question is, which one should I do? Are either of them even worth doing? Perhaps I could just sit here and stare at this lovely mess I'm in. -sighs- So many options, so much effort that needs to be put into them.



Well, anyways, I'm tired (both physically, and tired of thinking) so I'm going to go to sleep and distract myself with thoughts of what I'm going to draw Aerron for his birthday (which I so lovingly missed/neglected.)

Night, all.

This weather makes me depressed. ;_;

So, I dropped Landscape construction again. Phew, no more fucked up, annoying scheduling.

Started playing Perfect World International today (I've had it downloaded for months, but never touched it), and seriously? I love it. How rare is it that you can find an online rpg that has better character customization than the Sims 2? And seamless areas? i like it. The only thing I don't like is that if you want an animal-people you're either stuck with big, ugly (probably sweaty and smelly) anthro guys (tigers, lions, pandas, and... er... wolf I think?), or normals girls with ears and a tail - foxes, cats, rabbits, bats and even DEER, but no f#@$ing raccoons D=< I fucking love tanuki pplz. lieksrzly. but anyways. So my character is a winged elf (which is basically a normal elf but with a fancy title) and green hair reminiscent of shadow the hedgehog and creepy eyes and a bigass warhammer (I ran out of arrows so I just used this badass hammer I looted). And she can fllllyyyyy. And when she flies she grows wiiiiiings. And they sparkle :D And I also like this game because you can swim. And beat the shit out of big, ugly turtles and I LOVE BEING IN THE LAKESomg. ....end rambling. :D

But yeah, onto the weather we've all been talking about.
You're all happy about it, but...
it makes me depressed. ;_;
I like winter. I love snow. Just walking outside with my scarf on and freezing my ass off but the QUIET and the COLD and the... I dunno... just something about the calm and quiet of winter evenings just wriggles deep down into me and makes me feel all mellow, and I'm never mellow, so I like it. It keeps me sane, I suppose.

That, and weather like this is all muggy and cold enough to need a coat to feel comfortable but warm enough for me not to want to wear one so I'm all frustrated with the temperature and getting a headache because the humidity and auuuuuuggggh.

And I just woke up from a two hour nap that did me a lot of good, I think. I'm not awake enough to figure that out yet.

PS downloaded the PHAAAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE, INSIIIIIDE MY MIIIIIND. ...I love that song. X3

Okay bahye.

oh wait, before I forget, Emily's list kind of sort of got me thinking. Maybe I'll make my own list later.

no bacon u no bite ur nialz!!!!1

After showering and then sprucing p my blog a little (and putting on some clean socks, my feets are feeling happies), I feel a bit better. Not by much, but this feeling of angst is no longer so interollerable. I feel like "let's just get this over with" instead of "I wanna curl up to sleep and never wake up again (except for Christmas)".

But yeah, anyways, the point in this entry:

I'm trying to stop biting my nails. Again. Just like I did about two years ago around this time (remember when I was so proud that my nail could touch the table when I poked it with my finger? yeah, that didn't last long...)
And I have decided that, as extra motivation, I will count how many days I've been "bite free". So far it's three. If I can make it to 30, I'll do something rewarding. Like, maybe I'll put off getting that Star Wars game until I haven't made my fingers bleed for a month straight. Haha, yeah, there's motivation! (But... I dunno... if I could take having to wait for Kit Fisto... I mean... Star Wars that long). And then, if I can make it, say, another 20 or 30 days, I'll do something epic, like donate $100 bucks or something to like breast cancer research or something. And then, if I can go even longer, I'll do something OUTRAGEOUS and CRAZY! (say the last three words in Scat Cat's voice (yes, the jazz musician from the Aristocats) ...liiike... dye my hair green? X3 I dunno. Haven't thought it trough entirely yet, but these are ideas I'm playing with. i need motivation to not bite my nails, and I need motivation to STAY not biting them. Because seriously, it's getting. so. painful. DX

but yeah.

bed time, then up in the morning to study/cram for Plant ID before exam.


...

...

-inhales-
FUCK YOU MONITOR. WHY IS THE LEFT HALF (spec. bottom corner) GONE ALL DARK?! FUCK! WHY DO YU FLICKER AND SUCK SO MUCH?! o_o the rest of my lappytop is still like, perfectly. o_o why the most important paaaaart?


PS The lyrics that are now at the top/bottom/title of my blog are from the song "Promise Broken" by Deric Ruttan. Such a pretty song <3

20k and tiem for bed

you know why trish has to go to bed?
because bed won't come to her! ahahaha.

no seriously, that's like, the only reason why. if bed came to me that'd be effin' sweet. but it won't, so booooo.

ok i hit 20k now it's tiem for me to sleep in my leaky room (my ceiling leaks).


1AM SLEEP DEPRIVED WRITER SILLYNESS AMUSEMENT CORNER TIEM!
(AKA random quotes that amused my from my recent msn convo with Travis)

"hey wait I minute, I haven't writin anything in like two weeks and I'm still beating you? how?"

"1,000 if I decide to be awesome"

"whaaaa whaaa whaaa, somebody call the whaaaaaambulance"

"...but do I seriously get a banana? D:"

sleepy time nao? yesplz.

So lab tomorrow morning from 8-10 was cancelled, and math was cancelled all week (so no math class tomorrow from 10-11) which means I ahve no classes 'til 11, yaaay

Means it was smrt for me to stay up late nano-ing, now I get to shower and sleep, get up later than usual, eat brekkist, go back to bed for a few hours.

There is a direct correlation between hours of sleep and wordcounts.
less sleep = less word counts
or
moar tiruds = moar sucks.

So I go sleep now yeah?

Word count 3,627. Not as far as I hoped to get but better than nothing.

ps that bubbl.us site is amainzg. srzly. i had no idea how to start my not-counting-prologue story, and it helped me sort my thoughts out and do it, yeah? and you can save your charts too. useeeeefuuuuul.